07.31.24
We Asked Couples Therapists About The Ick
Nope, it doesn’t have to be a deal breaker.
If you’ve been on TikTok lately or watching Love Island nonstop (both at the same time?), you've definitely heard about “the ick.” It’s that out-of-nowhere, grossed out feeling you get when the person you’re dating, just met, or even in a long-term relationship with does something totally benign yet also personally horrifying and your immediate (mental) reaction is: Ick.
It could be showing up in flip flops to go out for dinner, mispronouncing something, or loving Nicolas Cage movies. Whatever the infraction, no matter how petty, it causes a pretty seismic shift in your attraction to them.
So, why do we get the ick and how bad is it exactly? Is it the kiss of death that most people make it out to be, or can someone come back from it? Also, should we even listen to the ick or are we all just being way too picky? We turned to mental health pros to get their take on this phenomenon.
What is the ick?
It should come as no shock to you all that this is not a clinical term. That said, "the ick" is basically a sudden and often inexplicable feeling of repulsion or aversion towards someone you were previously attracted to. That shift changes how you see them and can make you question future interactions or your relationship in general, says couples therapist Emily J. Burke, LMFT.
The ick isn’t that different from feeling disgusted, or that strong, self-protective reaction to something that might be harmful or unclean, says clinical psychologist Sasha Berger, PhD. Like disgust, the ick signals that a behavior or trait is inherently unpleasant or wrong (even if it’s just Crocs).
While this blegh experience is most common in the dating world and romantic partnerships, the ick can also happen with family, friends, co-workers, peers, or any relationship dynamic, Burke says.
Why do we get the ick?
Most of the time, the ick stems from cultural or societal ideas that are ingrained in us, explains couples therapist Alejandra Galindo, LMFT. Like that people who look at themselves in windows as they walk by must be shallow, people who drop heavy weights in the gym must be deeply insecure, and those who say, “It’s the white elephant in the room,” must be not that bright. Of course, none of these things are inherently true, but depending on how you were raised or what societal messages you bought into, you probably have your own mental list of behaviors you deem personally unacceptable (or icky).
So, if someone acts in a way that defies your norms, you might get the ick as those social boundaries and your sense of what’s appropriate or attractive are reinforced. When it comes to romantic interests, your icks are probably related to specific traits that you’re looking for in a partner, even if the logic isn’t totally sound. For instance, maybe you’re most attracted to people with a confident or assertive vibe, so hearing your date accidentally snort-laugh gave you the biggest ick—even though it was fully involuntary and probably says nothing about who they are as a person or partner!
How to get over the ick
Listen, it’s not easy to get past those unsettling feels, but if you take a sec to process, you can salvage the situation or just avoid judging someone based on a random thing they did (always helpful).
The trick is to understand and address where this reaction came from, says Galindo. Say your immediate response to someone scooching across a booth on a date is *barf emoji*. Try to feel your feelings. Taking a pause can help you understand more about the emotions coming up to the surface when you’re icked out. It’s possible there’s some feelings underneath the ew, like fear or contempt. Those are definitely worth unpacking.
Next, think about the origin story of this response. Once you understand why their actions set you off, you can address it, explains Burke.
That’s especially helpful if your ick is related to a bigger issue, like something that happened in your past (a toxic ex who was also a scoocher, perhaps?). But it’s not always that deep. Maybe you struggle with compromise or have unrealistic expectations of the people in our life. You could also just put a lot of stock into cultural norms and your level of cringe or embarrassment in this moment made you feel less excited about being seen with them. Whatever you discover, reflecting on the source can help you determine if this ick is more about you than them or a sign of a more serious incompatibility, explains Galindo.
From there, you can take action. For example, if this turnoff stems from ingrained societal norms or personal biases, spend time thinking about all the reasons why they did or said whatever grossed you out. Curiosity is key, says Burke. Maybe scooching is the only way to move in that particular seating situation or they just really love wearing flip flops. Challenging your assumptions and reevaluating your standards can help you navigate relationships with more flexibility and less judgment.
If you discover that your reaction is linked to past trauma, working through these issues with a therapist can be beneficial. Dr. Berger adds, “Healing from past emotional triggers can help reduce the intensity of the ick and make it easier to approach relationships with a fresh perspective.”
And, just to be clear, sometimes icks actually do illuminate an obvious sign of incompatibility. For instance, if you get the ick from someone being short with a waiter, lighting up a cigarette, or rolling their eyes at a crying baby, those might be more about mismatched values or personalities than arbitrary ick responses. So if you realize this ick is actually tied up in one of your relationship non-negotiables, it might not be something you “get over” but it probably warrants a conversation.
Should I tell someone they gave me the ick?
In some cases, it can actually be really helpful. Talking about an ick that’s rooted in trauma from your past or that can’t be solved by lowering your standards (or both) can help you manage and even overcome these feelings. That can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling relationship in the long run, explains Galindo.
That said, don’t skip those steps above. Unfortunately, just blurting out, “OMG. Never again!” without reflecting on the feelings it brings up and where that response might have come from isn’t very helpful for either of you. If you rush this convo, it’s highly likely that the person you’re with will feel defensive and shut down, Galindo adds. So, sit with the ick, identify those emotions, think about where this aversion came from, and talk to your partner about what you learned using I statements, suggests Galindo. That will help you communicate your feelings while minimizing the risk of hurt feelings—no matter how niche your ick.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
