Pro Tips Link Copied 05.30.24

7 Ways to Be Amazing at Small Talk

Time to erase “this weather is wild” and “wow that’s crazy” from your vocabulary. ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

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It might seem like there are two types of people in this world: The social butterflies who can have fun talking to anyone and the ones who frantically push the “door close” button to avoid small talk with whoever is hopping in the elevator. If you’re in the latter camp, welcome. This article is for you. 

If mingling is nightmare fuel for you, you’re not alone. As a therapist, I’ve noticed this usually happens because you might assume small talk isn’t genuine and feels like a waste of time, you crave deeper connections, and you feel nervous about what to do or say when the conversation feels dull. Put simply, you have some judgements about chitchat or yourself in those situations, which makes you feel like being a wallflower is a better, more comfortable option.

Here’s why you should give small talk a chance 

Hear me out: Getting out of your comfort zone and having casual convos are more meaningful than you might think. Chitchat helps you curb loneliness by providing micro moments of connection and bright spots in an otherwise gloomy day (or week or month, TBH). If you zoom out, these moments help you remember that our lives are all linked and that there are people who do want to interact with you, even if just briefly. While these short moments won’t cure loneliness altogether, they add up over time. 

Small talk also helps you to get to know others in a casual and non-intimidating way. And if you have a genuine interest in the people you engage with, you never know where these interactions could lead or how deep a connection you could build with a coworker, for example, based on one nugget you learned during a water cooler chat.

Luckily, being good at small talk is a skill that you can learn just like any other. If you want to master the art and get in on all these benefits, I got you. Read on for seven ways to ace more casual conversations. 

1. Don’t assume you’ll hate it. 

Going into any situation with judgments about how pointless or agonizing it will be automatically influences your attitude and how you show up. If you enter a networking event focused on how much you hate chatting, then guess what? The event will likely feel excruciating 20 minutes in. 

Pay attention to any negative judgments that you have about small talk and practice reframing your perspective before you engage with others. Instead of viewing these convos as a “waste of time” or “meaningless,” you can see them as an opportunity to expand your social circle, an avenue to break the ice with strangers and lead into more in-depth talks, or a chance to build tons of connections in a short period of time. Next time you have to mingle, see how this reframe helps you feel more chill, excited, or optimistic about the interaction and the potential outcomes. 

2. Ask good questions. 

Not knowing where to begin when it comes to small talk is a fast-track to immediately feeling awkward. If you struggle to kick things off, you might want to have a few light yet engaging conversation starters in your back pocket for when you’re stuck in a Zoom waiting room with a coworker or alone at a party. 

While it might sound hard to think of your own ice breakers, you can keep it simple and riff on common questions you get all the time but don’t always answer intentionally. A good rule of thumb is to make sure your question asks about a specific detail that people can expand on their response. For example, instead of asking someone “what’s up?” or if they had a good weekend, which would inspire basic “nothing much” or “it was chill” responses, you could say, “What was the highlight of your weekend?” or “What’s something you’re looking forward to today?” Notice how those questions are more open-ended, unexpected, and give the responder lots of different ways to respond?

Hypothetical questions are also fun prompts. This sounds like: “If you could be on any Bravo show, which would you pick?” or “If you could see any musician perform live, who would it be?” See how these questions provoke a little bit of thought, yet still keep the conversation feeling light-hearted? You could even preface that this was a unique question someone recently asked you if you feel weird diving into hypotheticals without more context.  

Of course, different environments and crowds require different chitchat nuances, so remember to consider whether or not your questions are appropriate for whatever space you’re in. For example, at work, you can ask about how people are navigating their work-life balance or how they make their commute more bearable. You can even talk about what side of TikTok you’re on! (Personally, I’m on shark egg TikTok, which I can confirm is a great convo starter.) Anything that could lead into a heated debate should probably be off limits unless your workplace is really chill and you’ve developed a strong relationship with whoever you’re talking to.  

At a social gathering, you can ask questions like, “So how long have you known _____, and where did you meet?” These types of conversations open up the door to share stories about the past and are far more interesting than the “do you come here often?” schtick. Another option: Draw on current events, like pop culture or local news, and ask something like, “Did you hear about XYZ?” Even if the person has no clue what you’re talking about, you could offer a brief recap and your take on it if they seem interested. Then, that could give them something to respond to. 

3. Challenge yourself to build on your responses. 

Part of becoming a small-talk pro is being a good responder on top of bringing the ice breakers. Even if someone asks you the most interesting open-ended question you’ve ever heard, there’s a chance your answer is short because you’re nervous, caught off-guard, still assessing their vibe, or don’t think your response is actually good. But I have a challenge that’ll help you make the conversation more balanced: Round out your response by adding another thought, observation, or question to whatever you were going to say. 

If someone asks you what your summer plans are and you have none, instead of saying, “Hmm. Not sure yet,” try saying, “I’m not sure yet, but I’ve been researching a few places in Europe or Asia and am comparing pricing and timing. I also love the idea of a staycation. What about you?” This gives the person the opportunity to not only respond to what you stated, but also gives them ground to answer the original question. And somewhere in their response, there will likely be something you can follow-up on to keep the talk moving forward. 

4. Show a genuine interest. 

Have you ever shared a story with someone and they were obviously not paying attention and didn’t care? That probably made you feel horrible, kind of embarrassed, and like you never want to talk to them again, right? Yeah, that was rude as hell of them and likely didn’t help build a solid rapport at all. That’s what you’re definitely not going to do because nothing tanks a conversation or relationship like the feeling of being dismissed or discarded. 

A great way to make a good (and fast) first impression with someone during small talk is by simply showing a genuine interest in what the other person has to say. That involves paying attention to what they’re saying and responding in a thoughtful manner. Depending on the conversation, it can help to show curiosity about the other person's thoughts and experiences. So instead of offering a bored “wow that’s crazy,” your follow-ups can sound like, “Woah, that sounds intense. Tell me more about that” or “What was that experience like for you?” or “What happened next?” 

5. Find common ground. 

How many times have you been in a group setting where you were totally silent because you had no connection to the subject and felt like you had nothing to contribute? Without common ground, people can feel left out of the conversation and dreaded lulls can happen. When you’re with strangers or acquaintances, it’s hard to know where you connect, so here are a few questions that can help you identify some overlap:

• What types of hobbies have you been involved in lately?
• Do you have any favorite TV shows or books that you’ve been getting into?
• What concerts or events do you have planned this year?
• Are there any causes or issues that you’ve been drawn to lately?

One more thing: Don’t be afraid to volunteer a little information about yourself even if someone didn’t ask (maybe they’re shy, nervous, or don’t want to pry!). When you share more about yourself, that can be a good foundation for a conversation too. Think: “I love the charcuterie board they made for this party. I tried to make one before and was shocked at how time consuming it is. Have you ever tried?” or “I’ve never come to this neighborhood before. It looks really cool! Have you been here before?” 

6. Accept the lulls. 

Even when you’re yapping with your closest friends, you’ve probably noticed that random moments of silence happen. That’s totally normal, and the same is true when you’re small talking. Do yourself a favor and accept that these pauses are natural and don’t mean anything about your personality, your choice in topics, or whether someone likes you. When you accept this truth, small talk becomes a little more tolerable because you don’t have the pressure to keep the conversation going at full speed. 

I know you’re probably thinking, OK, so what am I supposed to do if nobody is talking? Just stare at them? Well, you could straight-up acknowledge if you feel weird. Try: “I always feel a little awkward when conversations lull, but thanks for being understanding about it!” It’s possible the other person feels the same way, so that statement gives them a chance to relate to you even more or bring up any topics they’ve been wanting to discuss. This could be another opportunity to draw on your tried-and-true ice breakers like, “Have you seen any good shows or documentaries lately? I’m looking for recommendations.”

Or, for the bravest among us, try to sit in the silence for a full minute and breathe through the discomfort. Scary, I know. This is something we practice in therapy since it’s such a relatable experience and because it’s important to be present without judging yourself and see what comes up naturally for you or the other person. Internally, you could even repeat affirmations like, “I’m OK. This is normal. It is what it is” as the silence sets in. 

7. Know when it’s time to go. 

Sometimes, no matter what you do, conversations can feel like a one-sided interview because the other person isn’t matching your energy or reciprocating any of your questions or interest. That might sting if you were hoping for a new connection, but not every chat turns into something more, and some people are duds (sorry not sorry). In these cases, you have full permission to exit stage left and take your presence elsewhere. Try saying something like, “I’m going to grab a snack! It was nice talking with you,” or “Excuse me, I’ve got to check in on _____”. 

The bottom line: Small talk is agonizing for a lot of people, but if you reframe the way you look at it and come prepared with topics and conversation starters, you can really set the foundation for new connections and deeper talks!