12.12.23
7 Ways to Be There for Someone Dealing With Infertility or Miscarriage
Keep the silver linings to yourself.
After my first miscarriage, a friend's well-meaning but extremely awkward comment left me reeling. I was mid-sob, recounting an ultrasound that showed emptiness where my baby should have been. Before I could even get to the part where I had to walk through a waiting room full of expectant moms, she cut in with, "Wait, there wasn't really a baby? Doesn’t that make it easier?"
That one floored me. My grief felt completely dismissed. But I also knew that a lot of us just don’t know how to support someone through infertility or miscarriage. It’s not that my friend meant to make me feel shitty or be insensitive, she just didn’t have the words or understanding to be there for me.
Miscarriage is incredibly common, yet it’s a type of loss that’s not widely recognized or supported, explains psychotherapist Loree Johnson, PhD, LMFT. So, whether you know someone dealing with this right now or not, it can be really helpful to give yourself a refresher on the best way to help someone struggling with issues of pregnancy loss or infertility and the feelings that come with them.
Take it from someone who spent a year-and-a-half trying to conceive before losing four pregnancies in a row—there are ways to support people dealing with fertility trauma. Here, experts (and yours truly) explain how to be there without the unhelpful "at leasts.”
1. Just listen.
This is one of the most important things you can do when someone is struggling, but it’s surprisingly hard. That’s because listening means fighting the urge to say something—anything—to make the situation better. But by sitting in silence, you’re actually prioritizing their voice over your own, says Dr. Johnson, who works with clients experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss. Plus, you’re gaining valuable insight into how they feel and the best way to be there for them.
Sitting with others in their feelings is an integral part of supporting any emotional struggle, especially one you might not fully understand, explains Dr. Johnson. So by physically being there without chiming in, you’re letting the person in pain feel validated and heard, she adds.
In real life, this could look like asking your friend how they’re doing and shutting up as long as you can. “Just be with the person you love,” says Jessica Zucker, PhD, a psychologist specializing in reproductive health and author of I Had a Miscarriage: A Memoir, a Movement. It’s OK if you’re uncomfortable, she adds.
2. Avoid empty optimism.
Yeah, it’s tough not to cut through the discomfort with a silver lining, but it’s worth holding back, says Dr. Zucker. “Our culture often demands we focus on the bright side, and when you offer platitudes, you become part of that chorus,” she explains. So sayings like, “everything happens for a reason,” or “God has a plan,” or pretty much any statement beginning with “at least” is probably not what a person in this situation wants to hear.
This well-meaning brand of toxic positivity invalidates negative emotions, which can wind up being hurtful. “When we rush to offer words we hope will be comforting, it can undermine the process a grieving person needs to experience,” explains Dr. Johnson.
So even if the stuff that comes after your “at least” is true, you’re not meeting the person where they are, Dr. Zucker says. Your friend might feel like they have to believe in this silver lining narrative, which keeps them from sitting with their tough emotions. They might even feel more alone because no one seems to get why they feel the way that they do.
All of this is to say that, when you do offer words of support, Dr. Johnson suggests language like “I’m so sorry,” and “I’m here for you,” rather than positive-vibes-only lingo.
3. Remind them it’s not their fault.
People dealing with infertility or loss often experience feelings of guilt. And many times, our comments unintentionally exacerbate that self-blame. “Just relax and it’ll happen,” can sound a bit like, “You’ve been too stressed, and that’s the problem.”
As support people, we can help them remember that infertility and miscarriage are no one’s fault. They didn’t choose to go through this pain, and that cup of coffee they drank had nothing to do with their negative pregnancy test or miscarriage.
4. Don’t try to fix it.
When someone you love is struggling, you may be tempted to give them suggestions or solutions. But, chances are, your person is already working with medical providers, undergoing invasive testing, or spending hours in a Google rabbit hole. Unless they’re asking for it, they probably don’t need your advice.
Even if you’ve been in their shoes, success stories from people like you may also be unhelpful. “Sharing a hopeful story is a way of inadvertently bypassing someone’s feelings or their actual lived experience,” explains Dr. Zucker. On the flip side, “hearing other’s traumatic stories, especially in the immediate aftermath of your own, can be incredibly frightening and retraumatizing. Even if the story you’re telling has a happy ending, we can’t predict other people’s endings.”
So, just pause to remind yourself that there’s nothing for you to fix here, says Dr. Zucker.
5. Make small but specific gestures of kindness.
If you want to do something, small acts can lighten your friend’s load and also remind them they’re not alone, which is huge in times like these. “Basic needs are really hard to take care of when you’re bereaved or going through a chaotic emotional process,” says Dr. Johnson. Making a meal, walking their dog, or running an errand for them can make a difference. That said, it’s even more helpful for you to offer to help with a specific thing rather than asking vaguely how you can help.
“This takes the pressure off the person having to decide what they need when they’re in a crisis and unable to think about it,” explains Dr. Johnson. “Having someone offer a plan that covers a basic need can be very orienting when you’re going through a disorienting life experience.”
6. Make it easier for them to set boundaries.
People navigating infertility and miscarriage need to establish personal boundaries around what information they're comfortable sharing, who they share it with, what information they're open to receiving, what events they feel comfortable attending, and more. Those do-not-cross lines create an emotionally safe space for them to do the hard work of processing their feelings, says Dr. Johnson.
Since a lot of people aren’t comfortable doing that, you can take steps to understand where the lines are. Dr. Johnson recommends framing conversations in a way that respects the other person’s boundaries, even if you aren’t sure what they are. For example, you can offer to be a sounding board as they go through the IVF process and need to vent. Make that suggestion and then ask, “Does this work for you? If not, what does?” That opens a window for the person who’s struggling to say, “Thank you, but here’s actually what works better for me.”
7. Include them, but give ‘em a pass if they need it.
It’s important for your struggling friends to still feel wanted, and fun outings can get their minds off their fertility struggles. But social occasions, especially celebratory ones, can also be hard for people who don’t feel like celebrating.
You can and should still invite them to dinner, parties, holiday events, and even baby showers. But you can also remind them that it’s OK to sit it out, especially when it’s an event you know might be hard on them.
For example, being around pregnant people or parents and their children can trigger people struggling with fertility challenges because it’s the epitome of what they’re trying to achieve, Dr. Johnson explains. “When a story hasn't unfolded the way someone anticipated, it’s a source of great pain, and probably ultimately the biggest life crisis they've had to endure up to that point,” she adds.
And what if we did our friends one better? Dr. Johnson suggests sending a text before the actual invitation, “Tell them that you know it might be difficult, and you want to honor that difficulty, while also honoring the relationship by including them. Give them permission to respond in whatever way that they need to, and also to change their mind.” That permission slip is worth more than any gift you could possibly send.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
