Pro Tips Link Copied 05.28.24

6 Common AAPI Mental Health Stigmas—and How to Unlearn Them

As a licensed therapist from the Philippines, I get what you’re going through. ByAlyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW

Shutterstock/Wondermind

By now we’ve all heard the phrase “mental health matters,” and it does… But do we, as a collective, really know the specific mental health obstacles that manifest in our different cultural communities? The truth is that we can’t heal what we don’t acknowledge. For many in the Asian American and Pacific Islander (AAPI) community, talking about mental well-being has been discouraged for generations, leading to many of us internalizing negative beliefs that jeopardize our confidence, sense of self, happiness, and maybe even our connections with others. As a licensed psychotherapist with a background in treating Asian Americans and as an immigrant from Cebu, Philippines, I understand personally and professionally where the various stigmas in our communities come from and how they influence us. 

The reluctance to openly discuss mental health within AAPI communities is largely due in part to mental struggles being viewed as a weakness, as a negative reflection of the family, and something that will compromise our collective success and health. A lot of these beliefs are rooted in the concept of filial piety, which is the idea that our worth and usefulness is tied to our ability to care for our family, especially our parents. (JFYI: Filial piety stems from China and Confucianism, and this family unit emphasis can be found across various Asian, Pacific Islander, and Islamic societies.) 

This commitment to your people isn’t a bad thing, but it can be taken to the extreme. If a mental challenge interferes with your ability to support your kin, then that sense of worth and usefulness can *poof* and disappear, which can hurt your mental well-being even more. 

For the record: It should go without saying, but the AAPI community is not a monolith. Our differences span across ethnic groups, languages, and immigration experiences. Still, there are shared cultural pain points that many of us can relate to, and no one group is immune to mental health struggles. We need to heal, and we need specific guidance that resonates with our cultural identities in order for that healing to be impactful. 

If you don’t know where to start, I’ve got you. Here are six common stigmas and pressures within the community that we need to challenge and unlearn so we can get closer to our best, most authentic selves. 

1. That struggling with your mental health makes you weak. 

Circling back on the filial piety of it all. Within the AAPI community, it’s often believed that having mental health issues is a poor reflection of the family line and interferes with your ability to care for one’s relatives and community. To be blunt, that messaging is inaccurate. Mental challenges don’t always relate to anything your elders did or didn’t do, and they don’t always negatively affect other people in your family, like your siblings. Plus, when you take better care of yourself, you become more capable of helping others. You do not have to choose one over the other, and ignoring your well-being to solely care for others can be counterproductive. For example, suppressing how you feel doesn’t make your feelings go away. It only amplifies them and can lead to physical symptoms too, like chronic pain.

To get some distance from those feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment, try to approach your mental health with a sense of curiosity and compassion. You could do that by practicing affirmations like, “Struggling with my mindset does not make me weak or lessen my value as a person,” “I need to take care of myself before I can care for others,” or “My mental health journey is valid and worthy of respect and understanding from myself and others.”

Or you could even think about what it might look like to care for yourself and your family. Like, could you realistically go to therapy for one hour on Wednesday and take your mom to her doctor’s appointment on Friday or help your kids with their homework at night? It’s possible!

2. That you're either too American or not American enough.  

Raise your hand if you feel like you don’t belong in any of the cultures you’re part of, whether that be where you currently live or where your ancestors are from. You know, that uneasy feeling that if you returned to your homeland, maybe you wouldn’t know the cuisine or language. And at the same time, you still don’t feel like you’re “American enough” if you live in the States, for example, because of the way you look, how your parents talk, or the foods and TV shows you like. This feeling of being culturally inadequate is a constant internal battle many AAPI folks face.

The dialogue that we have with ourselves and others matters. Instead of telling yourself that you are not enough or don’t belong, remind yourself that there is no right or wrong way to exist within the community. The very fact that you identify as AAPI is qualification for being both Asian or Pacific Islander and American enough—your nationality does not erase your heritage. You do not need to do anything else to prove your cultural worthiness, even if there are people who try to make you feel that way with their narrow stereotypes. When you can begin to accept that you are culturally enough, then you can release the feelings of shame that says that something is missing within you. 

3. That your appearance is the most important thing about you. 

If you grew up in a home or culture where your body was openly criticized, where people had no problem saying you’re “too fat” or your eyes could be more almond-shaped, you are one of our strongest soldiers. Same if you ever had to endure the “your skin is too dark” and “stay out of the sun and buy skin whitening soaps” messaging, which is deeply rooted in anti-blackness and white supremacy, BTW. After years of having these POVs thrown at you (perhaps without anyone to call out how toxic they are), you can internalize them and end up being less than thrilled with your appearance and the features that make us AAPI peeps unique. 

Healing, in this case, looks like taking baby steps to embrace your skin tone, like sitting at the beach all day if you want to, for example. (Just bring SPF, cool?) Or maybe when you’re getting ready today, you can ditch the makeup that makes your eyes look wider. Whatever change helps you feel closer to your happiest, most authentic self is a good place to start. 

You can also learn to feel more confident by recognizing that body and beauty diversity exist, that our bodies don’t have to be shamed or critiqued, and that just because you look different from some strict, unrealistic beauty standard, that doesn’t mean you’re not beautiful too. Focus instead on what your body can do for you versus how it looks (think: your thicc calves help you hike your favorite trails) and you might start to feel more appreciative for your physique.

4. That speaking up for yourself makes you difficult. 

Back in the day, the pressure to assimilate to and be accepted by white American culture was a thing for many AAPI elders who were trying to get established in this country. This meant teaching their kids to not rock the boat, stay quiet, fall in line with what authority figures say, and essentially disappear so as not to cause trouble. AAPI communities were also seen (and often still are) as the “model minority,” which essentially pits us against other marginalized racial groups and perpetuates the idea that we shouldn’t speak up for ourselves or deviate from the status quo.

When we internalize the idea that we should stay quiet and keep our heads down, well, that can lead to unfortunate side effects, like AAPI folks being unlikely to seek mental health treatment or report crimes made against them, a 2022 crime study suggests. In 2020, reports of hate crimes against AAPI people increased, but the rates at which they were being reported was still largely under-estimated, the same study states. 

I encourage you to challenge this “model minority” messaging and ask yourself: “Who benefits from me not speaking up for myself?” Most likely, the answer isn’t you. Then, reframe this message with “I am allowed to have a voice and express my individual differences and preferences. By doing this, I am helping myself and future generations.” This mindset shift can help you seek connections that let you be you and also help you recognize that you are allowed to have your own voice and identity that doesn’t always mesh with assimilation. 

5. That your worth is tied to your education or career. 

The “model minority” myth strikes again with this one and can make AAPI people (and others) think that our greatest strengths center on our academic and white collar success. This is another racial stereotype that not only causes harm between communities, but also leads to feelings of inadequacy and shame if you deviate from the traditional STEM fields, kinda suck at those courses, or if you choose not to go to school altogether! But let’s be real: School and STEM programs aren’t for everyone, and no matter where you fall on the spectrum of academic performance, it’s not a measure of your worth as a human being. 

When you release the narrative that your life has to look a certain way, you release so much pressure and allow yourself to explore different paths and passions that diversify your life experience and our world. Plus, if you actually pursue what you like, you’ll probably end up a happier person than if you people-please your way through life. 

If you need an affirmation to go with this reframe, repeat after me: “My worth is not tied into my academic success, salary, or career choice. I am allowed to seek creative pursuits and my own passions, regardless of if I am good at it or if it can be monetized.” 

6. That setting boundaries with your family makes you disrespectful.  

Showing love, honor, and respect to your parents and ancestors is something AAPI culture has emphasized for a long time (remember the filial piety ideals?). But over time, the belief has evolved into the idea that being a dutiful child means being obedient and not challenging or going against anything your elders say. Yup, that includes begging to take drum lessons instead of violin. Or even saying you really hate how they discipline you, for example. If you do, prepare to be labeled disobedient or disrespectful. But if you can’t authentically express yourself, that increases the likelihood of experiencing stress and anxiety, losing your agency, and resenting your family. 

Luckily, it’s totally possible to have filial piety while also maintaining your individuality and sense of safety and self. Honoring your parents doesn’t mean dishonoring yourselves, and setting boundaries to protect your peace does not make you inherently bad. When you can recognize this and speak your truth to your family, you’re able to live in alignment with your personal values a little more. 

So, as you go forth and start to move and think in these new ways, think about what boundaries might help you out. Could it be pulling your parents to the side to say that you respect their opinion and want to enjoy your family reunion, but if they comment on your body in front of others, you will have to leave the family function early? Or maybe you lay out a map of your dream career that has nothing to do with STEM and explain how they inspired you or how this will help you honor your family’s legacy. While you won’t be able to control their response, when you try to merge your filial piety with what you want to do, you might be able to find a happy compromise.