How to Be Better at Giving (and Getting) Constructive Criticism
No compliment sandwiches here.Is there anyone out there who actually likes constructive criticism—or can we all just agree that it's an unfortunate but necessary evil of working and existing in the world? Whether you’re giving or receiving it, it can be awkward at best and downright mortifying at worst. Like, it’s right there in the name—who wants to feel criticized or critical, even if it is constructive?
If you’re here, you might have your own feedback-related baggage. Maybe you're the stereotypical millennial boss who hates feeling like the bad guy (what if they get mad at you?!), or maybe you're someone who is always fighting off tears when someone tries to tell you how you can do better (just say I’m the worst, why don’t you!!!). And while it generally sucks for everyone, people who deal with anxiety, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, rejection sensitive dysphoria, people-pleasing tendencies, or conflict avoidance can be especially uncomfortable with conversations around our weaknesses—er, sorry, opportunities for growth.
But it doesn't have to be so bad. At its best, constructive criticism can be a positive collaboration between giver and receiver, says Ellen Hendriksen, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists. “It’s not constructive criticizer versus criticizee,” Dr. Henriksen says. “Even if you have different roles, you can be on the same team, working together toward understanding and improvement.”
Still, that’s easier said than done sometimes. So how can you reap the benefits of constructive criticism—or at least get through the conversation unscathed? Here’s what the experts had to say, whether you’re on the giving or receiving end.
How to give (actually good) constructive criticism
There are two main parts to providing effective con crit: what you say and how you say it. Both matter. You can have the most helpful advice in the world, but if it’s delivered in a way that feels harsh or unclear, it’s not going to land. On the flip side, no amount of tact or sugarcoating will help if your feedback isn’t useful or relevant.
According to certified executive coach Megan Shekleton, solid constructive criticism covers three main bases: the opportunity for growth, why it matters, and what the person can actually do about it—or what she calls the “What? So What? Now What?” framework. Shekleton says a lot of people skip the middle step, jumping right from problems to suggestions for improvement, “but for people to be able to integrate feedback, they need to understand where it’s coming from and why it’s important to the bigger picture.”
So for example, instead of just telling someone that they need to improve their delegation skills, Shekleton suggests something like, “I noticed that you took on the majority of the responsibilities yourself instead of delegating during this project. As a result, we didn’t get to utilize everyone’s strengths and you weren’t able to meet your deadline.” From there, you might pause for their thoughts on what they could do differently or offer your own suggestions—either way, the feedback needs to be actionable.
And, don’t forget, you’re talking to another human who probably feels just as awkward as you do about this whole interaction. “It is often quite helpful when we are attentive to the other person’s feelings and hold space for their reactions and responses, even when they are defensive,” says Gavin Shafron, PhD, a clinical psychologist who works with high-achieving professionals. “If we do all of this while providing guidance for how someone can do better when it is welcome and necessary, we are much more likely to have better outcomes.”
Now that you’ve got the basics, let’s get into the nitty-gritty of how to level up your feedback game:
Prepare ahead of time.
Winging it is not your friend when it comes to constructive criticism. “Preparing what you plan to cover in the conversation allows you to be a lot more confident and clear,” Shekleton says. Plus, jotting down your key points ahead of time ensures you’re striking a good balance. No need to go full-on compliment sandwich (though feel free to), but you want to avoid making the feedback feel too one-sided or negative.
A little delivery practice is never a bad idea either, especially if you’re dealing with impostor syndrome, anxiety, or other struggles that might have you dreading this whole ordeal.
Remember that you set the vibe.
When stepping into the role of Constructive Criticizer, you might be tempted to act in any number of out-of-character ways. Common mistakes include walking on eggshells, acting overly serious and formal, or overcompensating with friendliness or assertiveness to soften or legitimize your message, says Dr. Hendriksen.
Don’t do any of that. “If you make it a big deal, it’s going to be a big deal—you get to set the tone,” Dr. Hendriksen says. She suggests using a calm and straightforward approach—“like ordering a sandwich”—to create a sense of ease. “Or if it’s sensitive feedback, adopt the tone of the compassionate but no-nonsense nurse at your last pap smear,” she adds.
Discuss the behavior, not the person.
One of the most important parts of giving good feedback: Don’t make it personal. Keep the focus on the specific actions or consequences, not the person’s overall abilities or character. “In so many conversations, discussions of behavior turn into statements about the whole person,” says Dr. Shafron, which can quickly lead to overgeneralizations and defensiveness.
So for example, instead of telling a quiet employee they need to be more assertive, you might observe that they don’t often contribute ideas in meetings—and discuss what might make them more comfortable. Rather than labeling someone as too blunt or a poor communicator, you could give examples of specific comments or miscommunications you’ve witnessed. Even avoiding using “you” too often and swapping in “I” statements can smooth things over. “It rarely feels good to hear critical feedback, but if it doesn’t feel like it's personal, it’s a bit easier to take,” Dr. Shafron says.
Make them feel less alone.
Nobody likes to feel like they’re the only one messing up, so it can help to remind the person that a piece of feedback is common or understandable. “Try to be an ally in addressing the problematic behavior, and if possible, normalize how common the behavior can be,” suggests Dr. Shafron. Saying something like, “I completely understand why this happened—I used to make the same mistake all the time,” takes the sting out of the feedback and shows them that they’re not alone.
From there, Dr. Shafron says you can offer suggestions based on your own experience—try, “Would it be useful if I shared how I handled a similar situation in the past?”—which turns the conversation into a more collaborative effort.
Don’t expect it to go perfectly.
No matter how well you deliver the feedback, it might not go as smoothly as you’d like—and that’s OK. “One common misconception is that if the criticism is delivered in just the right way, it will be well received,” says Dr. Shafron. But the truth is, no one loves hearing criticism, even if it’s constructive. And sometimes defensiveness and disagreement are just part of the process, so give the person space to ask questions, process the feedback, and return to it later if needed.
How to take constructive criticism like a pro
Receiving constructive criticism can be just as tough—if not tougher—than giving it. Feeling vulnerable or defensive is natural when someone points out areas for improvement. “We tend to over-identify with our work, so any criticism feels like a personal attack,” Dr. Hendriksen says. This frame of mind—where your performance and identity overlap too much—can make it hard to accept feedback without taking it to heart.
For that reason, a big part of getting better at accepting criticism involves working on your mindset. For one, try to view feedback as a tool for your own development, not as an indictment of your skills or you as a person. “You have to separate feedback from your sense of self-worth,” Shekleton says. There’s no one-step process to this, and it might involve working on underlying issues like perfectionism or unlearning messages around success, failure, and performance you learned growing up (shoutout to therapy).
Of course, the purpose isn’t to just sit there and gracefully take whatever feedback comes your way. A better goal? Understanding. “You want to approach the conversation from a place of curiosity about the other person's perspective,” Shekleton says. “But you also want to feel comfortable expressing your perspective and invite a dialogue around it.” Here's how:
Ground yourself before the convo.
Starting from a calm place can go a long way, whether you’re worried about getting anxious, defensive, or overwhelmed mid-feedback. Shekleton recommends using techniques to regulate your nervous system ahead of time. She likes the classic 4-5-6 method (breathe in for four seconds, hold for five, and exhale for six) as well as low-intensity movement like a slow walk.
“When we move and breathe slowly, it tells the body that we're safe,” which can help us feel more open to difficult conversations, Shekleton says.
Listen for the points you agree with.
It’s easy to latch onto the parts that make you say, “Uh, excuse me?” but that’s a one-way ticket to getting defensive. Instead, keep an ear out for the stuff that rings true to you. “Even if it’s one percent of what they’re saying, finding where you and the person who’s giving you the feedback align can keep your focus on track,” Dr. Henriksen says.
As for the feedback that feels off base, don’t shut it out completely. Instead…
Ask for clarification.
It’s OK if you don’t fully understand (or agree with) the feedback in the moment—asking for more info is not only acceptable in healthy feedback convos but encouraged. “Feeling comfortable enough to ask for clarification is a proactive way to better understand how you can grow,” Shekleton says.
If something isn’t clear, ask questions like, “What would you have done in this situation?” or “Can you help me understand why that was important?” That way, you leave the conversation with concrete steps, rather than vague advice and hurt feelings.
Adjust your expectations.
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting positive feedback, you gotta expect the con crit, too. “We tend to fall into an all-or-nothing mindset, where we feel like we’ve failed unless we’re showered in nothing but praise,” Dr. Hendriksen says. “But compliments and critiques are a package deal—they’re both part of putting our work and ourselves out into the world.”
Don’t be afraid to circle back.
Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it can be hard to fully process feedback. If you need time to digest what was said, it’s perfectly fine to ask for a break and circle back later. “If you feel emotionally flooded or overwhelmed, take a pause,” Shekleton suggests. “You can politely say, ‘I appreciate you sharing this with me—I’d love to talk more after I’ve had some time to process it. Can I circle back in a few days?’”
Even if you don’t need to take a beat, it’s never too late to follow up if you think of something else you want to discuss. The best constructive criticism is an ongoing conversation, not a meeting that makes you lose sleep once a year. “If you aren’t getting feedback, you aren’t growing,” Shekleton says.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.