09.05.24
How to Deal When You’re the Only Person in Your Family Who Goes to Therapy
It may be easier than you think.
The road to self-discovery and healing is not an easy one. And family members who aren’t exactly on board with your efforts to live, feel, and be better, can make things that much more difficult.
Maybe they don’t get why you’re in therapy, they talk shit about people who get mental health help (or the idea of it in general), or they just refuse to address their own emotional struggles. Whatever the case, it can be tough to spend time with your people when they’re not on the same growth trajectory as you—especially if they’re part of the reason you’re in therapy. *side eye*
Finding out a loved one is seeking therapy can make some people—especially parents—feel vulnerable, explains therapist Amanda Jurist, LCSW, who specializes in child, adolescent, family and adult psychotherapy.
Your family members might interpret your decision to get mental health help or just your interest in it as a reflection of them or something they did wrong. They might also have negative ideas of what it means to struggle with your mental health and what it says about you. Plus that topic can bring up past traumas in the family or tough emotions around their lived experiences. All of these things play into how and why a family may react to conversations around therapy, says Jurist.
While you should definitely have some empathy for all of that, you’re also on your own journey. As you stick with therapy, you’ll develop more emotional intelligence. You’ll learn what dynamics work for you, which don’t, and what triggers your uncomfortable feelings, says therapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, author of Retrain Your Anxious Brain. Over time, you can become more conscious of other people and how your actions impact them.
Existing in these two realities can be super tough. You have a lot of self-awareness, but you have to interact with a family who might not. That’s frustrating as hell.
To help you better navigate this not-so-pleasant path, we asked mental health pros for tips to balance your personal growth with our family’s unwillingness or inability to work on themselves.
1. Resist preaching the gospel of therapy.
We get it. When you’re in therapy and making big progress, it can be hard not to drop hints or demand your family do it too. But you shouldn’t go there. Instead, you want to try to model how therapy is working for you and how you want to be treated by opening a dialogue (see: not pressuring them to see your side).
Rather than trying to force therapy down your family's throats, try something more subtle like, “I noticed that I had some tendencies I wanted to change, so I started going to therapy,” says Jurist. Then add, “If you're ever curious about it, I'm happy to tell you more about my personal experience. It might be different from the impression you already have.”
If they seem more open, you could also invite them to take part with you, saying, “Hey, I have some things to unpack, and I feel safe doing it with my therapist, would you like to join me?” Maybe they’ll be down for a little family therapy.
2. Focus on your why.
The advice for sticking to a daily routine and navigating therapy with an unsupportive (toxic) family are kind of the same. In order to get through the hard times, you have to remember why you started out on this road in the first place.
As you face jokes, critiques, or judgey comments about going to therapy, you need a mission statement to bring you back to the very real reasons you decided to get some help. Maybe it’s breaking toxic family cycles, overcoming the traumatic thing no one in your family talks about, or managing a mental health condition to feel better.
Whatever your why, keeping it top of mind allows you to focus on the issues that matter and stay committed to your therapeutic process. When a family member confronts you and questions your decision-making, that’s when you tap into your why and use the tools you’ve learned in therapy to manage the situation.
Without this guiding light, it’s easy to revert to old patterns that have dictated how you interact with your family up to now, says Jurist. “When you are not actively working to be who you want to be, your muscle memory is your foundation,” she says. But if you remember why you’re trying to better yourself, you’ll be more equipped to handle others’ responses.
3. Assert yourself.
If your family isn’t big on setting boundaries or doesn’t see the value of listening to someone’s feelings, they can be disrespectful when the idea of therapy or taking care of your mental health comes up, says Tsilimparis.
While you can’t do much to change their rude or dismissive behavior, assertively communicating your feelings can raise your self-esteem over time and emphasize that your thoughts and feelings matter too. That can be really helpful if you’ve been too intimidated to speak up in the past, adds Tsilimparis. “Most of the time people have dysfunction with their families because they're unable to express themselves openly and honestly.”
To start getting respectfully assertive, identify what you feel in this situation. This can soften the convo because you’re introducing your experience. It’s hard to be pissed when someone says they’re sad or hurt, you know? Then, identify the behavior that’s making you feel that way, not the person involved. Tsilimparis calls this the “what I see” part of the assertive statement, and it helps you hold the behavior accountable without being judgey or casting blame on whoever acted that way. Finally, identify what you need to feel better as a way to reinforce that you have a preference about how people treat you.
For example, you could say, “I feel frustrated and hurt when people belittle me for seeking mental health help. I’d feel more at ease if everyone could try to understand or not talk about it at all.”
Again, there’s no guarantee your family will say, “Oh, I'm so sorry, I'll never do that again,” Tsilimparis says. There might even be push back, but if you keep speaking up when your feelings are hurt, after a while, they could realize this is really affecting you. “It elevates the chances that the [family member] might change their behavior.”
4. Ease their fears.
If their reaction to, “I’ve recently started therapy!” is to shame you, a la Cersei Lannister’s atonement walk, know that it’s more about them than you. “When someone feels so passionately against a thing that has nothing to do with them, there's usually something else going on,” says Jurist. Right or wrong, “something about that moment gave them an opportunity to connect and dump emotionally.”
While it can be hard to know what set them off, Tsilimparis says the likely culprit is fear. “They may believe that the therapeutic process means you are slowly migrating away from the family,” he says. They might also be scared that you’ll tell their life story to someone they don’t know, he adds. It can also feel threatening when one member of a dysfunctional family changes or grows because they might have to change and grow too.
“I remember when I first went to therapy, my mom said to me, ‘What is that woman telling you about us?’”says Tsilimparis. “I had to tell her it’s not about you, it’s about me. I'm taking responsibility for my life, and I'm going to therapy because I'm trying to get better.”
If you can, ask your family what’s behind their strong reaction. Maybe they’ll be honest, maybe they won’t. Regardless, you can reassure your family that you love them and that you're attempting to feel better—that’s nothing to be scared of, he says.
Just be careful not to take responsibility for your loved ones emotional state, says Jurist. “The emotional work is theirs to do, not yours.”
5. Rethink your responses.
If your family is a real source of stress or drama, your therapist might be able to shed light on your dynamic, the roles people play, and how those can cause issues, says Jurist. From there, they can also help you shift out of the unhelpful role you play in this group, which could benefit you and your family (even if they don’t go to therapy).
When you shake up the way you respond to old, dysfunctional patterns, like your mom’s passive aggressive comments or your brother’s outbursts, that changes up the whole family dynamic, says Jurist. When you decline to participate the way you used to, the rest of your family will be taken aback and maybe rethink the way they respond. You’re basically booping them out of an unconscious pattern. Maybe they end up reacting to your assertiveness or boundary in a way that’s healthier for everyone. You never know!
Even if they don’t immediately become better communicators or start expressing their feelings, they’ll be able to see how this shift in your reaction to their behavior benefits you. “Generally family members start to notice [when you make positive changes] and start to get curious,” says Jurist. A win is a win!
6. Disengage.
If you’ve tried everything on this list and your family is still talking trash, tell them you’re not willing to talk about this anymore, says Tsilimparis. Say something like, “We can talk about anything else, but let's not talk about therapy,” he says. You can add, “Please don't ask me about it or give your opinion on it.”
When they’re still giving you a hard time, taking some space to detach for a bit can help. You don’t have to ghost them (you could though). Instead, give them a heads up with something like, “I’m going to take some space because I don’t feel comfortable talking about therapy with you all right now. Once I feel less activated about that, I’ll reach out.” There is nothing wrong with mentally creating space for yourself, adds Jurist.
Hitting pause on the time you spend with them enables you to take care of your needs and reflect on the situation so you can find a path forward. “That’s the most valuable thing you can do for yourself,” she says.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
