6 Things People Learned From Family Therapy
It’s not as finger-pointy as it sounds.When things between you and your family just aren't clicking, it can be tough to mend those bonds. And let’s face it, resorting to screaming matches, the silent treatment, or just “letting it go” doesn’t usually make the holidays (or, hell, Tuesdays) any more manageable. Thankfully, family therapy exists. And let me tell you, it's not as scary and finger-pointy as it sounds.
Family therapy is exactly what it sounds like: It’s a therapist-guided vent session with your relative(s). The goal is to provide a space (with an outsider’s expert perspective) to address issues that cause confusion, pain, or disruption in the group dynamic, says licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC. That can come in clutch when families face unexpected challenges or significant change, like moving, divorce, or loss.
For my sister and I, family therapy was a safe space to share how our childhood impacted us. Although we grew up in the same household and are relatively close in age, our parents’ divorce impacted us very differently. While I acted out, desperately seeking attention, my sister retreated, isolating herself from the chaos around us. We never learned how to properly communicate. Instead, we yelled, fought, and blamed each other.
Working with a counselor helped us realize families aren’t destined to be dysfunctional based on some past drama. We could repair our bond—just like with any other relationship—and see our connection as a partnership that needed some TLC. Our sit-downs—two hour-long sessions per month for six months—focused on revisiting past experiences and holding a constructive dialogue where we felt heard and validated. Now, my sister and I call each other weekly, which is a big freaking deal for us. And when we hang up, we feel fulfilled and satisfied with our relationship.
If you’re seriously considering family therapy but are still intimidated, it can help to hear from brave souls who took the plunge. So, let's dive into a few personal stories and lessons learned from the experience.
1. It can help you actually hear each other.
When you’re in a fight with someone in your fam, you might resort to your worst behavior (no judgment). What’s helpful about having a therapist is that they can serve as a referee and call you both out when you’re communicating terribly. Kelsey C., 24, says that when she went to therapy with her dad and two brothers, being on neutral ground helped them vent without others becoming defensive. “The experience was really great because it provided a safe environment for me to share ways my dad made me feel bad or experiences that had a huge effect on me growing up.” When people aren’t on guard, they’re more likely to listen and comprehend what you’re saying. And that’s what happened for Kelsey. “Turns out, there were so many moments that he didn’t even realize affected me,” she adds.
Once everyone said their piece, Kelsey says her dad apologized and showed remorse for everything that happened within the first session. They still have a ways to go before the relationship is fully mended, she admits, but therapy definitely kickstarted the journey in the healthiest way possible. “Without therapy, we would have a harder time listening to each other and moving forward.”
2. You can ditch expired family roles.
If you have siblings, you might know what it feels like to be stuck playing the role of the pampered baby, low-maintenance (aka oft-ignored) middle child, or reliable eldest, for example. And if you’ve tried to burst out of those claustrophobic and growth-stifling boxes, it can be frustrating when your family doesn’t get the memo and treats you like your kid self.
When I went to therapy with my older sister, I brought up how it seemed like she still saw me as a child, a troublemaking girl who cried wolf and was just generally a lot. It bothered me so much and made me feel like I couldn’t evolve as a person. But, thanks to therapy, I was able to talk through how I’ve changed and she could do the same. It helped us form new perspectives on each other. Now, maybe for the first time, I feel like she actually treats me like an adult. We both felt major relief.
3. It can teach you how to deal with conflict.
Even when you know how much someone means to you, it’s challenging to overcome past hurts. For Sara K., 32, family therapy helped her and her mom repair their rocky relationship after Sarah’s dad passed away. “I desperately wanted to connect with my mom in case I, God forbid, lost her too,” Sara says.
At first, they couldn’t get through a single session without fighting. But their therapist taught them some communication skills they could use in and out of therapy. “Before therapy, we would go in circles fighting, never really listening to each other. Now, we know how to take a step back, use our ‘I’ statements, and listen more effectively.”
If she hadn’t asked her mom to give therapy a shot or committed to doing the work, Sara is confident they wouldn’t have learned to effectively communicate when things get heated.
4. You can find common ground.
If you haven’t heard, determining your values is basically the key to happiness and healthy connections. While you might know what’s most important to you (boldness! optimism! knowledge!), it’s not as easy to pinpoint other people’s wants and needs. One of my favorite things about family therapy was writing down all my personal values and comparing them to my sister’s. Afterward, our therapist had us pick a few qualities to define the ideal core of our relationship. We settled on authenticity, openness, honesty, and respect. Now, we constantly ask ourselves if we’re representing those values whenever we interact. If the answer is no, we look for different ways to communicate.
5. You might better understand their struggles.
Even if you’ve spent tons of time with your family, you probably don’t know everything that’s going on in their world. That’s typically fine (like, who needs to know every detail about their sibling’s dating life?). Sometimes, though, elephants in the room can make you unsure of how to interact with or help your crew.
After I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, my sister wanted to go to therapy with me to learn more about the condition and understand how she can support me. I’m so grateful she took that step because I finally had a safe space to tell her all the ways the diagnosis impacted my relationships. For example, when we were kids, she thought I acted out to get attention. Really, I had a fear of abandonment that pushed me to latch onto others.
Through therapy, she understood my experience and ditched the preconceived notions that kept us from truly bonding. Ultimately, it helped us let go of any resentment and move forward from a place of respect and compassion.
6. It can help you process shared trauma.
Dealing with traumatic experiences can be an unfortunate part of life. For Morgan H., 35, and her little sister, they’ll never forget the terrifying moment in 2016 when someone screamed “shooter” in the John F. Kennedy airport as they were headed off on their first girls' trip together.
Morgan froze amid the chaos and ended up beneath a pile of travelers as her sister tried to pull her out. “In that moment, our dynamic changed; she was no longer the little sister who relied on me,” Morgan recalls. Needless to say, they weren’t in the vacation mood after hours of stress and an apparent near-death experience. They canceled their trip, headed home, and Morgan worried about incoming trauma. Because while the incident turned out to be a false alarm, the psychological impact of it felt instantly real.
Therapy can be a great way to deal with scary shit, and it can be especially healing to go with the person who survived an incident with you. Knowing that, Morgan suggested she and her sister speak with her therapist together. “We needed someone to help us make sense of it all; to help us deal with the shared PTSD that I suspected would follow in the days and years to come,” she says.
Through family therapy, Morgan realized that while she prided herself on being the protective big sister, they’d have to take turns being strong for each other. Since that turning point, they’ve seen each other as equals, as ride-or-dies or no matter what. It's no longer about who's younger or older; it's about who needs the support and who will be there to pick the other one up, which has made their bond stronger, Morgan says.
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