02.20.24
13 Surprising Things People Learned From Their Parents’ Divorce
Shit happens, but there’s a silver lining.
Whether you were 5, 15, or older when your parents sat you down for The Announcement, chances are you remember the family shakeup of their divorce. At the time, you might’ve felt anxious, worried, sad, scared, or like you were to blame in some way when your parents split, says therapist Jayne Gottschalk, MA, LMFT. Maybe you still do?
Despite whatever challenges you probably dealt with after your parents’ divorce (splitting holidays, meeting your new step-parents, and getting a real-world reality check early on), it’s possible to come out of that chapter as a stronger, more enlightened person. Going through a major change like that could boost your ability to spot red flags, learn to healthily navigate relationships, and more, Gottschalk explains.
That’s not to say that you should toxic positivity your way through all this. The emotional and mental health repercussions of your parents breaking up are real—and some studies back that up. Still, as with any not-great experience, know that it is possible to grow from the dysfunction. Here, we asked people to share what they learned from their parents’ breakup and how those lessons impacted their lives in a good way.
1. Families can survive.
“I mostly learned that divorce can be good. The three of us (mom, dad, me) would've all been so much worse off if they had stayed together. Their divorce taught me to embrace the second act of life. They both went on to remarry the loves of their lives, which made me into a sister, an identity I hold dear. … When my dad was passing last year, my mom was there with me, and we all had a moment honoring the family that we had become over the years. Despite the split, it still felt like a victory. The last lesson about divorce from them was that love doesn't ever really go away.” —Savannah D., 30
2. Being financially independent is crucial.
“After 20 years together, my parents divorced when I was 13. Many years later, my mom shared that she’d been waiting to leave my father until knew she could be the sole financial provider for the two of us, despite physical and emotional abuse. I learned that people don’t stay in hard situations because they’re weak or they don't know any better. Oftentimes, they stay until they have financial support.
Now, I definitely have more compassion for people who stay in unhealthy relationships. It also made me consider my financial situation more heavily in decision-making around whether or not to start a family.” —Leanne A.*, 41
3. Marriage isn’t the only way to show your love and commitment.
“My parents divorced when I was three. I barely remember them being together, but I grew up knowing the split was because of an affair. I don’t care about getting married now because my parents’ separation showed it didn’t mean that much in terms of dedication to someone or how much you care about them. I’ve learned that you can show someone you care with lots of tiny, consistent gestures instead of one big one, like marriage. And you don’t do it for everyone else to see; you do it for your partner.” —Katie H., 32
4. Community is so important.
“I learned how much work single parents have to put into raising kids and how important community can be. My brother and I had loads of people around us growing up: my mom’s friends were always around; we lived with our grandparents for a little bit, and they were a huge part of my life; we were really close with our mom’s work colleagues; and neighbors would watch us when our mom needed to go out. This meant that my mom had a really good support system but also that we had lots of other people in our lives so it didn’t feel like a huge gap was left when our dad was no longer around. ” —Katie H., 32
5. Fearing betrayal isn’t worth the energy.
“My parents are three months freshly divorced, although they have been separated for about a year after 26 years of marriage. I had a great relationship with both my parents, but that changed when my dad went through what some call a ‘midlife crisis.’
At the time of the divorce, I was in a new marriage myself, and I had friends ask me if it affected the way I felt about it. While supporting my mom, she taught me not to be scared of love, marriage, or monogamy, as there were many other reasons their marriage didn’t work. While theirs ended badly, it doesn’t change the amazing 20 or so years they spent in happiness.” —Emma B., 27
6. Good communication is non-negotiable.
“I learned from my mother how important communication is. If there’s something on your mind, you need to communicate that instead of sweeping it under the rug and building resentment for years and years until the issues become irreparable. My mom also taught me that therapy is imperative in times like these—couples therapy AND individual therapy, and that both parties need to be committed to it for it to work.” —Emma B., 27
7. All breakups aren’t all bad.
“It’s been 18 years and I’m still learning from my parents’ divorce all the time. I think if you’re suffering in a relationship, it’s OK for it to end. I’ve come to think of the end of partnerships less like deaths, and more like graduations. It was the right course for a while, we learned what we could from each other, and now it’s time to move on. While they’re difficult, of course, breakups aren’t failures, and knowing when it’s time for a relationship to end is something to celebrate.” —Olivia B.*, 30
8. Nothing is guaranteed, and that can be exciting.
“Growing up, my parents' split was like this big, early life plot twist. I was super young, so it was just me and my mom after that. The biggest thing I picked up was that nothing lasts forever. Kind of a heavy lesson for a kid, but it made me realize you've got to be your own rock. Relationships, jobs, whatever—they could all have an expiration date. It's shaped how I see the world. Most things are temporary and may come to an end. But that's why it's beautiful.” —Tiger J., 23
9. I learned to date with intention.
“My parents’ divorce was pretty foundation-shaking at the time and took me years to process and put it into perspective. … As a kid, I was worried about love and marriage after their separation, but I'm more excited about [those life events] now. Their divorce taught me to build relationships with intention and care and to openly communicate with a partner, which I'm not sure they did.” —John A., 32
10. I learned to foster my own values and opinions.
“It taught me a lot about independence. I have always been a solo act in many ways, but at the age of 12 when my parents told me they're splitting up, I really dove into my own world and learned how to survive emotionally by myself. I'm incredibly independent now and am so proud of that. It taught me resilience, adaptability, and most of all, how to build my own life and my own ways of seeing love and the world at large. I wouldn't change the past. I couldn't even fathom putting my parents back together now if I could. I am the person I am because of the divorce, and I think I'm much stronger for it.” —John A., 32
11. Don’t let someone walk all over you.
“I was in my late 20s when my parents divorced after 40 years, and I was newly dating my now-husband. It helped me learn that at some point in their marriage (or even from the beginning), my mom just accepted that her needs and wants weren’t a priority. She took a backseat in her life instead of standing her ground if she sensed issues. I’m so proud of her for finding her voice. It taught me to speak up about any issues or problems, as well as my wants and needs, and to make sure my husband and I are both equal partners and participants in the relationship.” —Stella C.*, 34
12. Parents aren’t the only relationship role models.
“As someone who grew up watching a lot of television where couples stay together no matter what, I always thought that my parents should be role models for a healthy relationship. As an adult, I learned that is just not true. I developed so many wonderful friendships with couples who love each other and that I can learn from. All of this made me realize I'm never alone in life and that sometimes your role models are your peers.” —Luke J., 32
13. Therapy can help you figure out how it’s affected you—even if you didn’t think it did.
“I was 20 and away at college when my parents got divorced. And while it definitely shook me and led to a fun little bout of depression and anxiety, I thought I was too grown for it to have any lasting impact on how I viewed relationships—especially since there was still so much love and respect between them (even today, our family group chat includes BOTH families). But of course it did! It wasn’t until I finally started therapy a decade later—while dealing with my own rocky relationship—that I realized how much the divorce actually affected me. Therapy was such an eye opener for seeing all the fears, triggers, and flawed assumptions I was carrying around and how to move forward in a healthier way. 10/10, can’t recommend it enough.” —Casey G., 35
*Names have been changed.
Quotes have been edited and condensed for length and clarity.
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