It’s 2024 and we’re all well aware that there’s a new epidemic called loneliness in town. Maybe you’re quite familiar or maybe you’re new to this uncomfortable state of being. Either way, that I’m-feeling-lonely type of feel sucks.
But it turns out there are some people out there who are completely unaffected by this emotional plague. They are: the un-lonely. To those of us who’ve ever been seriously disturbed by a lack of plans on a Saturday evening, this may be shocking news. And yet, it is truth.
So, how does one gain un-lonely status? Well, psychotherapist John Tsilimparis, MFT, says the biggest thing to not feel lonely comes down to is one’s comfortability with loneliness and alone time. The more chill you feel about being literally by yourself or feeling lonely, the less power it has over you.
How you feel about loneliness could be tied to your attachment style, says Tsilimparis, which is a psychological explanation for how our early bonds impact how we show up in relationships in the future. But it also might not be that deep for everyone! You might have a strong aversion to being alone for all types of reasons—like that society and sitcoms make it seem like you have to be surrounded by your friend group all the time or because you're avoiding stuff that's harder to ignore when you're on your own.
The secret to feeling less lonely is shifting your mindset from, “I’m alone and hating it,” to “I’m alone and not hating it.” Tsilimparis says this works because you’re retraining your brain to be OK with alone time and OK with yourself in general. “You’re flipping the script on the old narrative, then it gives you control,” he explains.
To be happy alone, you’ll need to work toward accepting your alone-ness and working toward seeing it in a neutral or even a positive light, psychologist Jenny Wang, PhD, shared in a workshop on loneliness for Wondermind. The first thing you can do is think about where you got the idea that being alone or being by yourself within a group of people is a bad thing. How you feel when alone is all about how you interpret your aloneness. When you identify where that narrative began, you can start to see how it’s impacting your here-and-now experiences with aloneness and how you might consider other interpretations or frameworks about being alone, Dr. Wang added. Then, hopefully, you can decide to stop subscribing to that idea.
Tsilimparis also recommends designating five minutes to being alone whenever you can. During that solo time, acknowledge that you are, indeed, alone and remind yourself that it’s fine to be uncomfortable about that. From there, try reciting some healthy aloneness affirmations, like:
- What I’m feeling isn’t loneliness but healthy aloneness.
- To build emotional resilience, I need to experience uncomfortable feelings without fighting them.
- It’s OK for me to be unattached right now.
- It’s OK that my evening isn’t perfect or like what I see on social media.
The goal is to find the beauty in being alone instead of rejecting it. With that in mind, we asked people who describe themselves as un-lonely for their tips. Maybe not surprisingly, all of their advice centers around accepting themselves, their relationships, and alone time in general. Steal some for yourself.
Accept aloneness as part of life.
“I was taught as a kid that life is full of situations where we have to go things alone. It happens to everyone. But being alone doesn’t mean you’re isolated or without support from others. It’s just a chance to go inward, reflect, and communicate with yourself.” —Millicent F., 30
See it as a chance to recharge and do you.
“I’m a very introverted and shy person, so I need alone time to help me recharge—even if it’s just for an hour before I go to sleep. When I’m alone I can do whatever I want and I don’t have to worry about whether everyone is enjoying themselves. I just think about all the things that I want to do that are so much easier and more enjoyable to do by myself.” —Kellie C., 30
Invest in your relationship with yourself.
“When you realize that your own company is more important than being with others, you start to look forward to spending more time with yourself. This way, we don't feel lonely.” —Anonymous, 23
Make time for long-distance relationships.
“I have nightly FaceTimes with my immediate family (my mom, dad, and twin sister). I don't see them as often as I used to when I was living at home, so it's nice to catch up over dinner even if it's just for a few minutes. We talk about our days, family gossip/news, and funny things we saw on our social feeds. It's a nice reminder that even when we're apart, we can connect in a consistent way. It's something I can depend on.” —Sam B., 28
Remind yourself how great you are.
“I’ve never felt lonely because I like myself, and using my imagination means I’m never bored.” —Abigail W., 45
Investigate what you like and what you don’t.
“As I've gotten older, I've thought a lot about what serves me and what doesn't. Learning to embrace alone time and doing what feels right for me in the moment fills my cup, whether it's something fun or relaxing or new or out of my norm. It's been good for me to learn more about myself because we all change over time.” —Courtney H., 44
See friendship as a continuum.
“I also feel unlonely because I’ve leaned into meaningful relationships, by tending to those bonds and also making room for new friends. Though it’s not easy to make friends as an adult, I’m able to see this process as an ongoing journey that helps me fill my cup.” —Courtney H., 44
Don’t belittle the small stuff.
“I don't see friends as often as I used to (adulting will do that). This might seem small, but we send each other memes or nostalgic/funny TikToks pretty often even if we don't have the time to send full texts to the group chat. Those interactions still remind me that we can bond over seemingly silly stuff that isn't actually silly at all. It's great to have deep convos about life changes or big emotions, but acknowledging each other's internet humor is a nice way to connect amid the craziness of adulting.” —Sam B., 28
Focus on the friends who get you.
“I feel the most lonely when I‘m with people that I can’t connect with. So I try to choose my environment carefully. I have a few very good friends who I can call when I’m not feeling well, need advice, or have exciting news. I can share anything with them and vice versa without judgment.” —Anonymous, 22
Get to know your limits.
“I’m pretty secure with myself. I know I’m a good mother, I have a good job, and I can provide and show up for others. I also know when I’m reaching my mental capacity and need time alone. When that happens, I’ll sit with myself and crochet. It’s taken years for me to get here, and therapy gave me the tools I needed to get to this point.” —Jaime M., 37
Be real with yourself and others.
“I think being un-lonely is feeling like you’re not lonely when you really are. What helps me do that is using meditation and yoga to process those feelings, and being vulnerable in my relationships helps me feel more secure within them.” —Anna K., 23
Set up go-to alone time activities.
“I feel like loneliness ebbs and flows. That said, in recent years I've felt particularly secure in my alone time. I use it to do things that make me happy. Sure, I might not be hanging out with friends on a Saturday night, but I'm cuddling with my dogs and laughing along to a good Netflix show. I fill my alone time with poetry, good books, and workouts where inspiring Peloton instructors feel like my best buds. Because these things bring me joy, it makes me confident that I can find happiness when I'm alone! Being alone isn't a bad thing.” —Sam B., 28
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
