07.08.24
How to Be There for Someone Without Emotionally Draining Yourself
Sometimes small support is the best support.
Whether you’re running errands for a sleepless friend who needs postpartum help, sending job listings to your brother who’s struggling at work, or letting your heartbroken coworker vent, being there for others can feel like a no-brainer. When we care about someone, even a little, we want to make their lives better when they’re down.
It’s hard and sometimes uncomfortable to watch your people in distress, and, as humans, it’s instinctual to try to be of service, says therapist Nicole O’Brien, PhD, LMFT. But, even with an endless supply of good intentions, being part of anyone’s emotional support system can be draining.
For starters, it’s easy to get totally wrapped up in what someone else is going through, says therapist Hope Kelaher, LCSW. It’s sort of like you’re sitting in dirty bathwater with your friend instead of holding their hand from outside the tub, Kelaher explains. (Gross visual, but you get it.) Generally speaking, setting boundaries can be tough when you’re in it with them.
Plus, if you’re already going through some heavy stuff, being there for someone else can feel extra taxing, explains therapist Rowen Beaudoin-Colegrove, LMFT. “If you’re physically ill, it becomes harder for you to care for others who are ill. That can also be true for mental health challenges,” Beaudoin-Colegrove says.
Same goes when their circumstances feel triggering to you. That can bring up an intense emotional response, like physical sensations, uncomfortable feelings, or unwanted memories, which require a lot of your energy to manage, explains Dr. O’Brien.
All of this is to say that it’s normal to feel drained while being there for your person. It’s unrealistic to think otherwise, says Dr. O’Brien. But, if you let that drainage go unchecked, it can lead to burnout and mess with your relationships too, she adds. And that’s why we’re here today, folks.
Below, mental health pros explain how to take care of yourself while taking care of others. With these practices in place, you can be an even better support person who gives genuine attention and care to those who need it. Here we go!
1. Take a beat before you offer support.
It makes sense if you wanna be there for friends or family right away when you see them in pain. You care! They need you! But when we don’t ask ourselves if we truly have the capacity before jumping into action, it can lead to burnout, says Dr. O’Brien.
To avoid all of that, Kelaher suggests using these prompts to check in:
- How are my body and mind feeling?
- Can I give this person what they need right now?
- Do I have my own support if I jump right in and whatever they’re going through stirs up hard feelings or memories for me?
If your answers give you the green light or tell you to proceed with caution, go for it. However, if you’re getting a no, be honest.
Say your friend texts that they need to vent about their hellish workday and wants to call you on their commute home. If your brain is currently at max capacity or you've just come up for air after a week of chaos, you could text back, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry to hear your boss was a monster again! Mind if I call you this weekend? I want to hear all the details, but I’m currently dead inside. LMK! Can’t wait to catch up!” Whatever you say, the goal is to be direct about your limits while staying compassionate, says Kelaher.
2. Ask what they need.
Sometimes our people aren’t always clear about what kind of support they’re looking for. That can make it hard to judge whether you can give an assist. If that’s the case, just ask what they need, says Beaudoin-Colegrove. From there, you can check in with yourself to see whether that’s realistic for you right now or nah. If it’s a no, offer up other options that are more doable for you, he says.
Let’s say you asked your newly single friend what you can do to help them get excited about this next phase of life. If they respond with a terrifying, “Be my wingman at this speed dating event,” you can say, “Woo! So proud of you for getting after it! I cannot wait to hear how it goes! Unfortunately, I can’t make it out, but I’ll be sending good vibes!” Then offer to swing by their place while they get ready to hype them up or come up with not-dumb first-date questions. Whatever makes sense for you is fair game. There are so many ways you can show them you care, says Dr. O’Brien.
3. Keep checking in with yourself.
Like taking a pause to notice how you feel before offering help, tuning in to how you’re doing during or after supporting someone can also prevent emotional drainage.
That’s especially true since we often don’t know how exhausted we’ll be until we’re in it. I mean, it’s hard to tell whether coffee with a work bud will somehow evolve into a rage-chat about their situationship. So staying present with our physical and mental feels can inform whether we need to set some limits right now or later on.
Kelaher suggests you ask yourself: Do I feel uncomfortable? Is my body tense? Do I feel overwhelmed or anxious when talking to this person? Am I finding it difficult to stay fully present with them? Beaudoin-Colegrove says fatigue, irritability, and resentment toward the other person are also signs you're drained.
How you use that info depends on the situation. Maybe you’re on the phone with someone who's been venting about their ex for the past 45 minutes, and you notice that you’re starting to zone out. You can say something like, “You’re so right. That’s such a sucky situation. I’d love to keep chatting, but I’ve gotta run in a few. Maybe we can talk more later?” Or, if time isn’t the problem, you can acknowledge their annoying ex, validate their feelings, and subtly change the subject.
Of course, it’s not always that simple. If you said you’d watch a friend’s kids while she visits her dad in the hospital, don’t bail when you realize that the playtime and mealtime (and mealtime that is playtime) are stressing you out. When you make a commitment, see it through, says Kelaher. But the next time someone wants you to watch their kids in a pinch, ask yourself if you’re willing to make the same commitment knowing you’ll be tired and stressed, Kelaher explains.
4. Set boundaries when you need to.
Boundaries are basically limits you set for yourself and others that dictate how you want to be treated. And, even when you’re trying to be a reliable person, you need some guardrails to protect your physical and mental health.
Maybe you’re fine going to a friend’s place on a random Saturday night because they feel lonely—even if you were craving some solo dolo time. That’s really nice of you! But if it happens over and over again, you’ll risk burning yourself out without a boundary, says Dr. O’Brien. When it starts to take a toll (or before it gets that bad), tell them that you can’t make it but you’d love to get coffee in the morning or hang out some other time. From there, commit to only squashing their Saturday scaries when you have the bandwidth. It’s subtle, but it’s a boundary.
5. Take care of yourself when you’re triggered.
Being there for someone can be triggering for a lot of reasons. Maybe you’ve been through something similar or it just reminds you of an experience you’d rather forget. No matter the root issue, being triggered can bring up uncomfortable feelings, memories, and sensations in your body in an overwhelming way, says Dr. O’Brien. Obviously, that experience paired with helping someone else is very tiring (to say the least).
That’s why separating your feelings from the other person’s is key to giving an assist without worrying about two things at once. Yes, you could gently decline to step up, but if that doesn’t feel like an option or you’re already in too deep, take a moment to remind yourself that this situation is not yours, says Dr. O’Brien. Then, make a mental note to address whatever’s coming up for you later on, she suggests.
You’re not ignoring your own issues. Instead, you’re acknowledging them and shifting back to the present situation to preserve your energy, says Dr. O’Brien.
6. Fuel up on self-care.
This might sound obvious, but if you do things that replenish your mental and physical energy, it’ll be easier for you to take care of other people. How can you run on empty?! “Self-care helps us build our energetic reserve and increase our capacity for [supporting others],” explains Kelaher.
When you're tired from a busy week but know you'll be on duty to comfort a grieving friend, stock up on the energy you're missing beforehand. Do you need more sleep? Do you need some puppy cuddles? Do you need to go on a walk or watch a mind-numbing documentary on the secret life of squirrels? (IDK.) “It's about being aware of what you need to do to show up for the other person,” Kelaher says.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
