11.14.24
6 Conflict Management Tips for Anyone Feeling Extra Heated Right Now
Turns out avoidance is not the answer.
Whether it’s a coworker overstepping, a friend bailing on plans last minute (again), or your dad being rude just to “rile you up,” there are about a million things that can cause conflict. It’s a damn minefield out there. And without solid conflict management skills, you can feel stuck, anxious, or perpetually pissed off. Not ideal.
In case you missed this lesson: Conflict happens when we have different points of view, make mistakes, or get caught in miscommunication traps, says licensed therapist Mallory Wolfgramm, LMFT.
When any of that goes down, conflict management can help you share your feelings, hear the other person out, tolerate the discomfort of it all, and find a way to repair the situation or just move forward, says Wolfgramm. Those skills can strengthen relationships you care about, she adds. And for those people you don’t especially enjoy, conflict management enables you to coexist with less tension.
If you’re ready to manage conflict like a pro, here are the strategies therapists we spoke to recommend.
1. Check in with yourself.
When an email from your work nemesis hits your inbox or your brother says that thing he knows will set you off, hit pause before going into confrontation mode. When we’re wrapped up in our emotional reaction, especially anger or hurt, we can respond in a way we regret, says Wolfgramm. Big feelings can also make it harder to process information, which could lead to miscommunication. Maybe what they said wasn’t actually what you heard. It happens.
So, if you notice your heart is racing or you feel hot when talking to somebody (or reading their text), taking a beat can help you get into a clearer headspace, says Wolfgramm. From there, you can choose your words carefully, listen closely, and problem-solve effectively, she notes.
To get to a calmer place, try a self-soothing exercise, like the 5-4-3-2-1 method, where you name five things you can see, four you can touch or feel, three you can hear, two you can smell, and one you can taste, Wolfgramm suggests. You can also get clarity by journaling, calling a friend, or taking a walk, she says.
If you hate confrontation, you might be tempted to stop here and just pretend this whole thing never happened, which isn’t always helpful in the long run. Conflict avoidance usually backfires in one way or another, notes Wolfgramm. So don’t make this first step in conflict management your last.
2. Assess the problem.
Once you’re more calm, you can get a feel for what’s really going on and the best way forward. Wolfgramm suggests asking yourself: Who is my beef with, are they worth it, and what do I want to get out of this interaction?
It sounds simple, but if your struggle is with someone you care about or interact with frequently, that’s more important to resolve than a bot trash-talking you in your comments. Assuming you feel emotionally and physically safe with this person, it's probably worth getting to the bottom of the issue with them, says Wolfgramm.
Then, try to be real about your expectations. What do you need to feel better, and can this person give that to you? Asking yourself these Qs can help you decide if seeking a resolution is even possible, notes Wolfgramm. Maybe you know they’ll never see your side or what you really want is to make them feel bad. When either is the case—especially the latter—you're not going to have a healthy conversation, says licensed therapist Erica R. Turner, LMFT, co-host of S* Your Therapist Reads.
If they’re not worth it, you don’t feel safe, or your ideal outcome is unrealistic (or just petty), it’s time to settle this on your own, says Wolfgramm. Instead of attempting to manage the situation with the person involved, speak with someone who can understand where you’re coming from, like a therapist or another loved one, she suggests.
Venting can help you name your feelings, acknowledge that there is a problem, and stop the rumination you're experiencing, says Turner. “It kind of externalizes the conflict, so your brain doesn't constantly go back to, What am I going to do? What is this issue?” she explains. It might not be as satisfying as having the person hear you out, but you’re still getting relief from the big emotions that conflict causes.
Plus, finding understanding elsewhere can help you set boundaries that minimize future conflict, Wolfgramm adds.
3. Let them say their piece.
Part of conflict management is trying to empathize with and understand the other person, says Wolfgramm. Even if you don’t agree, making it obvious that you’re willing to hear them out is a great way to establish trust, she explains. If you skip this part, they’ll probably be less likely to listen to you.
So, invite them to share their side of the story, clarify what they mean, or make their case. When they do, Wolfgramm suggests making eye contact to show you’re actively listening. Afterward, try to sum up what they said to you and ask if you got it right. You can also ask more questions to get some clarity, Wolfgramm says. If you’re really struggling to see their side, challenge yourself to think of a time when you felt similarly, she notes. It’s not always easy, but it sets the stage for you to share your perspective and encourages them to show you the same respect.
4. Apologize if needed.
If you can see that you messed up, an apology can indicate that you want to take accountability for your part and honor what the other person experienced, says Turner. Try saying something like, “I was really frustrated, and I’m sorry that I hurt you. That wasn’t cool,” notes Turner. Whatever you do, avoid chasing “I’m sorry” with “but.” That basically cancels out the part where you took ownership, Wolfgramm explains.
While apologizing can show someone that you know where you may have effed up, it’s not easy to forgive somebody right away if there’s a larger, prolonged problem, says Wolfgramm. You may just need time or, in some circumstances, a mental health professional to help out, she says—and that’s OK.
5. Be direct and kind.
When you hash out your side of the problem, being specific can help you avoid miscommunication and prevent this issue from popping up in the future.
If you have time before your conversation, think about what you're feeling, what triggered those feelings, and what you need from the other person to move forward, says Wolfgramm. Writing those down to refer to during your discussion can help you stay on track and get to the heart of the conflict, she says.
It might seem a little over the top, but phrasing those points in the form of “I” statements will help you come off less aggressive, Wolfgramm adds. You can try something like, “I felt _____ when _____ happened because it made me think _____.” Turner suggests also asking, “How do you think we can move forward?” to give them space to chime in.
6. Stay open to compromise.
You can go through all the steps above—making space for the other person, hearing them out, being direct, and avoiding defensiveness—and they’re still not willing to budge. When you’re at a standstill, it may be time for compromise.
A compromise is a sacrifice, explains Turner. It could be a big one or a small one, but the goal is to put your ideal outcome aside in hopes of resolving the issue or showing the other person you care about them (or both).
That can look a lot of different ways, depending on what you’re dealing with. Maybe you agree not to talk about politics anymore or that you’ll message your team before booking the conference room for an entire day.
Whatever middle ground you suggest, make sure that it doesn’t contradict your values or breed resentment, says Turner. "If the compromise feels like you're actively carrying a burden ... that's a sign this compromise won’t work." A good compromise is a reasonable sacrifice you’re OK making for the greater good of the relationship or some other outcome, Turner adds. Consider that conflict managed.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
