When I was in middle school, I had a friend who, in private, would hype me up like I was a rare and precious jewel (in 2005, that would be a bedazzled Motorola Razr), only to cut me down later in front of our other friends. It was torturous and confusing, and yet I dutifully—and often happily—remained close with her for years. I excused her tendencies as personality quirks, rather than labeling her accurately as a frenemy.
Sure, I was young, and I wasn’t mature enough to understand the complicated intricacies of a hot-and-cold relationship. But take a look at social media (or, honestly, your own circle), and you’ll see that frenemies don’t disappear after puberty. They just get more nuanced, taking the form of co-workers, family members, and even close friends.
Though we may have grown out of our nervous teen years, most of us haven’t gotten any better at handling these relationships. On TikTok, videos about “friendship red flags” and “friends rooting against you” have racked up millions of views, with users sharing advice on how to deal with frenemies.
The outside search for help makes sense: Most of us are inherently nice people who want to make the best of our friendships, which is why we often take an “I can handle it” approach to frenemies. But maintaining the status quo isn’t great for your mental health, says Miriam Kirmayer, PhD, a clinical psychologist and friendship researcher. “Staying connected to a frenemy requires a significant amount of energy and often distress,” she says. “A common pitfall I see is letting an unhealthy friendship suck energy away from healthier connections, leading to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and disconnection.”
While you might think this is grounds for totally cutting ties, you actually don’t have to, says Dr. Kirmayer (more on that in a sec). But first, you need to know what you’re dealing with.
What is a frenemy?
The very non-clinical term “frenemy” has become an internet catch-all for tons of interpersonal issues ranging from benign to toxic, says Dr. Kirmayer, lumping together normal friendship hiccups (see: your best friend going through a tough time and being moody) with actual bully behavior (see: a “friend” actively rooting for your demise or openly negging you).
But experts define frenemy as a friend who doesn’t have your best interests at heart, betrays your trust, messes with your confidence, or belittles your successes, says clinical psychologist Marisa G. Franco, PhD, author of Platonic. “Or, a frenemy may be someone who doesn’t show up when you really need support, doesn’t respect your boundaries, or leaves you feeling unseen and unheard.” That’s a long list, but you get the idea.
At the end of the day, if you often feel uncomfortable and unsupported around them, that’s a big sign that you’ve got yourself a frenemy. Still, there's a lot that you can do to shift the dynamic, says Dr. Kirmayer. Let’s get into it, shall we?
How to deal with your frenemy.
1. Get real honest.
Welcome to the most important (and least comfortable) step: Having an earnest conversation. “If you want to give your frenemy a chance to change, you need to make sure you first express what’s wrong,” says Dr. Franco.
If you can, try to do it face-to-face or on the phone (rather than texting) to help you better connect. Then, “start the conversation by saying you’re hoping this convo helps you get closer because you care about them,” explains Dr. Franco. Saying something like, “I wanted to bring up some issues I’ve felt with our friendship because I really care about you, and I want us to heal from this,” could work. The goal here is to frame the convo with love. “You’re putting them in a non-defensive state from the start,” she says.
Then, to keep the convo open, Dr. Franco recommends using “I” statements (e.g., I feel, I need, I want), instead of “you” accusations (e.g., you don’t, you always, you need). Dr. Franco suggests saying, “I’ve been carrying a lot of hurt, and I want to talk through it with you.” Really focus on you, what your needs are, and how you’re feeling, rather than coming at the other person, she adds.
Once you’ve established the intention of the discussion, ask for the behavior you want to see (yes, it’s that simple). For example, “If you have a friend who undercuts your successes, you can say, ‘I wish you could be happy for me when I accomplish something,’” says Dr. Franco. That enables you to share your perspective while also giving them a heads-up about their behavior.
2. Ask your frenemy for their perspective.
Oftentimes, our biggest frenemy used to be one of our closest friends—or, at the very least, an acquaintance. If you want to shift the dynamic back (especially if you’re not sure what happened in the first place), it’s vital for you to hear the other side of the story. “The more that we take other people's perspective, the more likely they are to take ours,” says Dr. Franco.
Don’t assume that your friends know what you need and what you’re happy with, says Dr. Kirmayer. That’s not to say you need to give the benefit of the doubt to a mean-spirited bully. But a friend who, say, teases you and puts you down in front of others may earnestly think it’s all in good fun—especially if you’ve never directly addressed it. “Very often, what we think is clear, transparent, and assertive communication on our end just isn’t to the other person,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “With frenemies, their behavior is often happening on autopilot as a coping mechanism, and they may just need it called out to them,” she adds.
She suggests asking your frenemy where they’re coming from, what they think happened, and saying, “I realize I could be interpreting this situation differently than you intended, so I’d like to hear your perspective.” As important as it is to state your needs and how you like to be supported in a relationship, it’s just as important to ask how you can do a better job of supporting them, says Dr. Kirmayer.
3. Think about the good times—and plan more.
If you’ve ever gotten two hours deep into venting about a frenemy, you know how easy it is to get stuck on the negative aspects of that relationship. So when you’re trying to start fresh, Dr. Kirmayer suggests leaning into the positives.
You can start by journaling about times when this person showed up for you or a conversation where you felt connected, and try to think up new ways to amplify the positives of your friendship, says Dr. Kirmayer.
If your now-frenemy was a childhood best friend, try bringing happy moments of the past into the present, like re-reading your favorite book from high school, or getting lunch at your old hangout spot. “Set up your environment in a way that's going to support the healthier aspects of your friendship,” she says. “Then go home and journal about the positive moments of the experience to help you stay in the present.”
4. Strategize your interactions.
If you do want to establish (or re-establish) a friendship with your frenemy, but you’re not close enough for a heartfelt conversation, you can manage the situation by setting boundaries. Start by figuring out what environments or situations feel safest and most enjoyable for you.
If your frenemy tries to one-up you in front of others, be intentional about skipping group hangouts when they’re around, suggests Dr. Kirmayer. Or you could only spend time together when you’re working on a common interest or goal, she adds. That could be volunteering or training for a race if you’re both into that. “You're able to come together and connect without tapping into dynamics that feel sensitive or triggering,” explains Dr. Kirmayer.
Still, sometimes, the best we can hope to achieve is friendly peace—especially if your frenemy is someone who’s hard to avoid. In that case, minimizing your interactions in general is the move, says Dr. Franco. “You can still be kind and friendly, but stop actively engaging with them,” she says. Treat them as someone you barely have a relationship with.
5. If all else fails, cut ‘em out.
Whether you tried everything or just feel like there’s no hope for repair, both experts agree that someone who actively hurts you does not belong in your life. That could look like cursing you out, attacking you, or refusing to have a civil conversation. When that happens, you need to back away. “We should be in friendships that make us feel good more than they make us feel bad,” says Dr. Franco. “And if someone's chronically mistreating you, walk away—don't work harder.” Consider this permission to see yourself out.
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
