05.17.24
Do You Have Social Anxiety or Are You Just Shy?
If you know, you might already know, you know?
Raise your hand if you’ve ever thought Why did I say that? immediately after walking away from a conversation. (You can’t tell through the screen, but my hand is raised—very high.) The fear of being judged by others before, during, or after a social interaction is real, but most people can shake off an awkward moment on a first date (see: dating anxiety) or lingering nervousness from a high-stakes meeting. With social anxiety, or social anxiety disorder, those moments can wreck your whole day and kick off non-stop racing thoughts for weeks. It could even get in the way of making friends as an adult.
Maybe that feels relatable, but there’s a lot more to the mental health condition than overthinking the last thing you said. Sure, most of us feel at least a little awkward in lots of social circumstances. And, of course, the more important the interaction—a job interview, meeting your partner’s friends, pitching a new idea to your boss—the more on edge you might feel.
But if you spend a pretty significant amount of time freaking out about social interactions at work, school, or out with your friends, you might wonder whether something bigger, like social anxiety or social anxiety disorder, is at play. And it might be!
To help you sort through the difference between being shy or introverted and having social anxiety disorder, we asked mental health pros for the signs that help them spot this mental health condition. Plus, what to do if you’re having a hard time.
One quick thing before we dive into the details: Mental health is complex and everyone has a unique experience, so don’t go diagnosing yourself just because you read a few articles on the internet (though, we do appreciate you stopping by to learn a few things). If this resonates with you, consider it a jumping-off point in your journey to getting care. OK, let’s get into it...
What is social anxiety?
Social anxiety exists on a spectrum. On one end, you might feel very anxious about social situations occasionally. On the more intense end, that kind of anxiety could keep happening for months or even years, making a significant impact on your day-to-day functioning. If the latter is the case for you, you might meet the criteria for social anxiety disorder.
Technically, social anxiety disorder (also known as social phobia) is a mental health condition characterized by intense, overwhelming fear of everyday social interactions and situations, and those anxieties get in the way of living your life the way you want, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5-TR).
Unlike shyness, which is a personality trait that might make you feel more reserved in social situations, social anxiety is a fear of doing something wrong in front of others that keeps you from being as outgoing as you want to be. “If somebody’s shy, they might walk into a room and not feel the need to speak,” says therapist Aimee Estrin, LMSW. “They’re not walking into this room and feeling a sense of panic or anxiety.”
The same is true for introverts. If you consider yourself part of that club, you likely find downtime alone more energizing than being with others. It’s not that you’re freaked out by social situations (like with social anxiety disorder), you just need more solo dolo time to recharge. While introverts can have social anxiety, as psychologist Jessica Stern, PhD, previously told Wondermind, they don’t go hand in hand (same goes for extroverts, BTW).
How can I tell if I have social anxiety disorder?
Now that you have a better idea of what social anxiety is (and what it’s not), let’s talk about what it can look and feel like out in the wild. Here are the signs you might be dealing with social anxiety disorder.
1 . You feel physically awful before, during, and after.
Leading up to a Big Social Thing (or even a small one) you might get sweaty, start shaking, and feel your heart beating really intensely. You could also feel sick, short of breath, or hot, says therapist Monica Cwynar, LCSW. That can happen in the days or even weeks before the thing actually happens, per the DSM-5-TR. If you don’t avoid that event or task entirely, those feelings stick with you or get worse as you go through the motions. By the time it’s all over, you likely feel ex-haus-ted by those physical symptoms.
2. You can’t get shit done without freaking out.
Sure, giving a speech at your friend’s 300-person wedding or interviewing for a job are definitely anxiety fuel for most of us, says Estrin. Those are totally rational things to get a little anxious about—these moments are big deals and you want to get it right.
With social anxiety disorder, you’ll stress about being judged by others, humiliated, or embarrassed to the point where it becomes extremely difficult to engage in everyday situations like prepping for a work meeting, making small talk at the office, eating lunch with a friend, or making new friends, per the DSM-5-TR. That can make existing among other people, even people you don’t know or those who care about you, really, really challenging.
3. You change your behavior to avoid feeling or looking anxious.
Because doing life in front of others feels physically and emotionally daunting, severe cases of social anxiety might inspire you to avoid people as much as possible, says Cwynar. You might have your groceries delivered instead of shopping at the store, skip family gatherings, or avoid leaving the house in general.
But shifting your behavior for the sake of your social anxiety can also be more subtle. Maybe you avoid making eye contact, initiating small talk, or becoming the center of attention at all costs (even if you actually enjoy the idea of being noticed).
You might also take precautions to mask your anxiety symptoms. For example, you might avoid sipping water in your meeting or holding your notes to cover for shaky hands. Or maybe you avoid wearing certain colors to make it harder for people to see you sweating, per the DSM-5-TR.
4 . Anxiety runs in your family.
Listen, genetics don’t determine whether you’ll have social anxiety or not. Your family tree could have lots of people with the disorder and you don’t or vice versa. That said, there is a higher risk associated with social anxiety disorder when any of your first-degree relatives have the condition, per the DSM-5-TR.
5. You suspect or know that your social anxiety is excessive.
Estrin says that, in her experience, people with social anxiety often recognize that their anxiety in normal social situations is over-the-top and unreasonable. For example, you might notice that your coworkers don’t seem as anxious before or during your monthly status update meeting as you do. People with social anxiety know they shouldn’t feel this way, but they can’t help it, she adds.
6. This has been going on for a while.
Most of us can relate to feeling anxious and awkward in social situations some of the time. But in order to be diagnosed with social anxiety disorder, these intense, irrational feelings have to be happening for six months or more.
How is social anxiety treated?
Step one: Remember that social anxiety is not uncommon, and you’re not weird or gross for dealing with it. After all, acceptance is the first step in any healing process, and how you treat yourself can play a significant role in your journey. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Whether you think you have the diagnosable form of social anxiety or not, if you’re feeling weird about your social interactions or they’re getting in the way of your goals or just how you want to live, talking to a mental health pro can help you deal with social anxiety.
Cwynar and Estrin both recommend cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a therapeutic modality that teaches you to challenge the negative thoughts and self-talk that come with social anxiety. With the help of a therapist you can also do gradual exposure therapy, which is all about “facing your fear of social situations in a controlled manner,” according to Cwynar. “This can help individuals learn how to be more confident and reduce anxiety over time,” she adds. If you’re comfortable, you could also DIY your own exposure therapy, making a list of social things that scare you and working your way from least terrifying to most (within reason).
Therapy will also help you rethink the narratives fueling your social anxiety by challenging your thoughts. Estrin says a therapist may ask questions like, “Where is your evidence of this? Why did you think everyone’s eyes were on you in this big crowded room?” And you can learn to do this on your own.
She also adds that joining a social anxiety therapy group can be helpful as well. “It’s nice to put yourself in a situation with like-minded people who feel the same way you do so you feel validated and less alone in your experience,” Estrin says. If appropriate, a health care provider may also prescribe medication to help treat social anxiety.
No matter where you stand on the social anxiety scale, know that you’re not alone. “I know social anxiety is hard for people,” Cwynar says. “We have to keep showing up and keep trying, because life is so amazing… we don’t want people missing out on their lives.”
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
