02.28.25
What Is Stonewalling, And Are You Guilty Of It?
Plus, how to tell if someone is doing it to you.
We can blame it on our zodiac sign, our enneagram type, or our parents, but we all handle conflict in different—often less-than-ideal—ways. Maybe your response is to show them what throwing a fit really looks like (Aries, right?), or maybe just the thought of confrontation makes your heart race. Or perhaps you’re guilty of stonewalling.
If conflict makes you feel so overwhelmed that you shut down (or physically run away), you may be a stonewall-er. And you’re not the only one.
Here’s the basic formula: Someone else does or says something (typically during a disagreement) that triggers you. Then, you shut down to protect yourself, explains Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist. As the name suggests, this defense mechanism puts a wall between you and the other person. Because, hey, if you don’t respond or react, eventually, the problem will just go away, right? Right?!?
But unless you’re engaged in a Dungeons & Dragons role-play situation, this is not a helpful conflict management style—maybe you know that by now.
Whether you think you’re guilty of stonewalling or know someone who is, here are the signs it’s happening and how to end it.
What is stonewalling?
Stonewalling is a type of communication style that can set any relationship up to fail, according to John Gottman, PhD, and Julie Gottman, PhD, the couple who founded the Gottman Institute and the Gottman Method couples therapy.
Stonewalling basically means that one or both people withdraw from a conflict, explains Gottman Institute-certified couples therapist Zach Brittle, LMHC, founder of Marriage Therapy Radio. It’s a form of “flight” in the fight-or-flight response, says Brittle. But you don’t have to run to do it, he adds. “You can stonewall from six inches away.” In other words, stonewalling means emotionally shutting down when you feel overwhelmed by a fight or disagreement.
Although stonewalling is usually talked about in the context of romantic relationships, it can happen in conversations with family, friends, and co-workers too, says therapist Savannah Schwenning, LMFT. Anytime you feel emotionally (or physically) unsafe, the stonewalling response can deploy, making things like eye contact and verbalizing your feelings impossible, says Panganiban.
Oftentimes, stonewalling is a trauma response created by past experiences, Panganiban adds.
Say your dad constantly belittled you as a kid, and you felt safest when you didn’t react or even listen to him go off. If someone comes to you with constructive criticism now, you might completely shut down in the same way, explains Panganiban.
And while stonewalling may have been a useful coping mechanism when you were younger, it’s probably doing more harm than good now. “As adults, we should have a bunch of other skills that help us stay safe and sane, like confronting a problem directly and tolerating discomfort long enough to address it,” Brittle says. In a perfect world, we’d come to realize that, when you peace out of a conflict or conversation, you and the other person get stuck on opposite sides of the issue without tools to figure things out, he explains. That can keep your relationship from becoming closer or more intimate.
Over time, stonewalling can cause resentment and a general sense of “we’re doomed” on both sides, Schwenning says.
How to stop stonewalling.
If you’re the one putting up walls, be patient with yourself here. No one goes from repeat stonewaller to expert conflict navigator overnight. “It’s a practice, just like learning to play guitar or speak a new language,” Brittle says.
Yeah, you’ll probably fumble a few more tricky conversations, but every potential conflict becomes an opportunity to improve (yay!). Here’s how to do it.
Notice when it’s happening.
Because stonewalling is usually a stress response, the physical symptoms are a sure sign it’s about to go down. Increased heart rate, brain fog, chest tightness, and changes in body temperature are all alarm bells, Schwenning says.
On the outside, your face may go blank, she adds. You might turn away, act busy, go slam a door and hide, or just stop responding.
While those are common signs, everyone is different. So it’s helpful to pinpoint your specific brand of stonewalling red flags, suggests Brittle. Do you start to sweat? Do you feel overwhelmed? Are your thoughts foggy? The better you can identify, Hey, this is happening, the more space you’ll have to handle it differently.
Communicate that you need a minute.
If your body is giving any of these oh-my-god-I’m-going-to-die feelings, it’s time for a break, the experts agree.
Obviously, communication gets really hard in that state. So keep a note in your phone with a response that tells the other person you need a sec. You can try, “Hey, this is getting too intense for me right now. I need to take a break and come back,” suggests Brittle. This is what he calls “responsible break-taking.” Suddenly fleeing the scene is not the same.
Take a (helpful) break.
Now that you’ve pressed pause on the situation, go and do something that will genuinely help you feel better, Panganiban says. Take a walk, journal, read, do some deep breathing, take a shower—you get the picture. Whatever you do to calm down, give yourself at least 20 minutes to get grounded, she adds.
Share your feelings.
After successfully escaping panic mode, you’d probably like to pretend nothing happened and move along. That makes sense. But, as scary as it may be to return to the scene of the crime, it’s the most important part.
If you avoid it, your relationship can become more surface-level over time. And you both might be increasingly lonely and uncared for, Schwenning says.
So, take a deep breath and remember that your only objective is to share how you felt in the previous conversation, says Brittle. You could say, My heart started racing. I felt panicked. My thoughts were spiraling. This helps them understand your experience, making it easier for you two to reconnect. It also tells your fight-or-flight response that you’re safe.
Side note: If you’re a repeat stonewaller, you can use this follow-up convo to establish some sort of code word or hand signal to whip out the next time you’re overwhelmed, suggests Panganiban.
Once both of you have verbalized your feelings and established a sense of safety, you’re ready to revisit whatever caused the kerfluffle, says Brittle.
Seek support if you need it.
If stonewalling is dragging your relationships through the dirt and the steps just aren’t working, finding a mental health pro can be a good move, Panganiban suggests. They can figure out exactly what’s triggering you and suggest self-soothing techniques that’ll work in the moment.
How to deal if someone is stonewalling you.
When someone else shuts down mid-conflict or conversation, it can make you feel frustrated and tempted to check out too. “You might feel angry, frustrated, or hopeless,” Schwenning says. You could even experience the same physical symptoms—think panic and brain fog—as the stonewaller.
Yeah. That’s not ideal. So, if you notice that the person you’re speaking to is using the silent treatment, withdrawing from the conversation, or emotionally shutting down, here’s what to do next.
Make some space.
It’s OK to be the one who suggests a break, the experts agree. In fact, it might be helpful for whoever you’re talking to. “If someone is stonewalling you, they are in an escalated state,” says Panganiban. “So pressuring them to talk will only heighten their arousal and lead to a destructive conversation.” At this point, the situation needs time and physical space—not pushing or chasing.
Your move: Say that you need a break, Panganiban says. Telling them that they need to calm down will just make things worse.
But don’t be surprised if their response sounds like crickets; that’s the stonewalling in action.
You can try something like, “I need a break right now to de-escalate, but I want to continue talking about this. I’ll be back in XYZ time,” Panganiban suggests.
Stepping away gives both of you permission to take care of yourselves and return to the situation when your systems are in a better place.
Tend to yourself.
As you give them space to chill, practice your own self-soothing, says Panganiban. Spend at least 20 minutes taking deep breaths, going on a walk, or watching mind-numbing TV. Intentionally tending to yourself when conflict escalates ensures you stay regulated. That enables you to help them navigate what is clearly a distressing situation.
Just try not to get too in your head about their shut-down—it’s not about you! It’s their maladaptive coping mechanism.
Come back to the convo.
After you’ve taken a break, gently seek out the other person, Panganiban says. Even if the previous conversation didn’t send you off the rails, the discomfort or pain it caused the other person is still real.
Invite them to share their experience of what just happened, and do your best to actively listen, she suggests. Then, share yours! How did you feel when they emotionally (or physically) bailed on you? This is the most important part because it establishes a sense of safety between the two of you.
Just a heads up, it’s possible one of you might need another break if you feel activated. That’s fair game. But once you’re able to calmly hear each other out, you’re ready to start talking through the actual problem, Brittle says.
If the other person isn’t responsive or you keep getting stuck in a stonewalling cycle, it’s time to call in a mental health professional. A couples therapist or family counselor can help you develop healthier communication patterns or discuss the fate of the relationship, says Schwenning. If you decide this isn’t the relationship for you, that’s OK too!
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
