Emotional cheating can be a hard thing to spot in the wild. There are no hotel room receipts, hookups in mall parking lots, or Ubers home from “a friend’s place” at 4 a.m. Unlike a physical affair, emotional cheating can look like a super close friendship or work partnership at first glance—even if there are serious feelings lurking below the surface. There’s nothing to see here…other than in-depth chats about the day-to-day and tons of inside jokes that may or may not be flirty.
Whether you’re the one partaking in this banter-y gray area of infidelity or suspect someone else is, it makes sense if you’re confused. So, we spoke to mental health pros who see this situation all the time. Ahead, they explain what emotional cheating is and the signs this brand of infidelity might be happening in your relationship. Plus, they break down what to do next. Here we go!
What is emotional cheating?
Emotional cheating is when you have a really close, more-than-friends relationship (sans physical stuff) with someone outside of your established relationship, says couples therapist and clinical psychologist Isabelle Morley, PsyD.
While that’s the gist, pointing to specific examples of emotional cheating isn’t as straightforward as a physical affair (like we said). That’s because each person may have a different definition of what constitutes emotional cheating in their relationship. Maybe venting to a friend about a relationship issue is no big deal to your partner, but to you it’s out of bounds. Perhaps exchanging memes with a coworker you’d consider dating if you weren’t in a relationship isn’t weird for you, though it was for your ex.
But, generally speaking, this type of cheating involves telling another person things that you’d usually tell your partner. For example, you might rely on someone who’s not your partner for support when you’re stressed or when you and your significant other have a fight, says Dr. Morley. Maybe you’re texting all the time about your day or rushing to them with huge life news before you fill in your partner—or you’re telling them instead of your partner, says licensed therapist Erica R. Turner, LMFT, co-host of S* Your Therapist Reads.
That said, an emotional affair is different from the reassurance and good vibes you’d get from a platonic friend, Dr. Morley says. There’s usually some sort of attraction or chemistry with this other person. Oftentimes you can imagine being with them romantically, she says.
Here are a few common ways an emotional affair can look, according to Turner and Dr. Morley:
- Frequently relying on another person for comfort instead of a partner
- Comparing a relationship with one person to a relationship with a partner
- Thinking about someone outside of a relationship often or imagining a life with them
- Keeping the relationship or the extent of it a secret by hiding texts or downplaying how often you see them
- Feeling guilty spending time with the other person
Just so we’re clear, emotionally cheating is not the same as having deep conversations with friends and coworkers or having a crush on someone. Actually, it’s unrealistic for your partner to meet all of your emotional needs, so outsourcing some of them is completely normal, notes Dr. Morley. Perhaps your significant other just can’t have in-depth chats about your Fantasy Football lineup or the current political landscape. That’s not necessarily an emotional affair.
Why do people emotionally cheat?
People cheat emotionally for many of the same reasons they cheat physically, Dr. Morley says. A lot of the time it’s because they feel their needs aren’t being met. They're feeling disconnected, alone, sad, or invalidated in their current partnership, so they go to someone else who helps them feel better, she explains. It’s exciting to be seen and heard by someone, especially if that’s lacking in the partnership, she adds.
And, when you’re not getting your needs met in a relationship, you could be more prone to arguments with your S.O. That tension might make being vulnerable with them more difficult, so you don’t try, says Dr. Morley. As you might’ve guessed, this can make outside emotional support or intimacy even more appealing, she adds.
This is not to say that the emotional cheater’s partner is to blame though. Even if there are cracks in a relationship, everyone has control over their own actions, Turner stresses.
Signs of emotionally cheating.
First, if you feel like something weird might be going on, asking your partner is the best way to get more intel, Dr. Morley and Turner agree. That’s because there’s really no way to know for sure if someone has betrayed your trust without some serious snooping (which can be a massive breach of trust in itself). And even if you do find some receipts, you might not get the whole picture. Plus, having hard conversations where you express your feelings and stay open to the other person’s perspective is part of a healthy relationship.
If you decide to go for it, start with your experience to avoid sounding accusatory. Dr. Morley suggests something like, “Lately, I feel like we’ve been having more fights, you’ve been less present, and you’ve been on your phone more than usual” (or whatever is relevant to your situation). Then, she says to go ahead with: “This might not be true, but I’m just wondering, are you feeling emotionally closer to someone else?”
It’s possible they may not know they’re engaging in emotional infidelity. Even if they wouldn’t be comfortable with you finding messages or knowing the details of their conversations, they might categorize their relationship as a close friendship, Dr. Morley says. Obviously, if you have receipts, you can bring those to the convo too. (Though, again, we do not condone snooping.)
With that in mind, here are some signs that could indicate emotional cheating, according to Dr. Morley and Turner:
- Your partner is withdrawing or seems uninterested in you and/or your relationship.
- They’re often irritated with you for no apparent reason.
- They act differently out of the blue. (For example, they don’t let you look at their phone or they’re going out more often.)
How to recover from emotional cheating.
While emotional cheating can be a big betrayal of trust, moving past this kind of infidelity is possible. If everyone involved is open to uncomfortable conversations and being empathetic to the other’s pain without shutting down, they can work through their problems, says Turner.
That process requires both parties taking accountability for ruptures in the relationship, talking about their feelings, and showing that they want to be together. All of that can help with trust issues, Turner explains. That might mean the person who cheated needs to be super transparent about who they’re texting, answer their partner’s questions, and give reassurance that they’re committed, says Dr. Morley.
If it’s hard to talk without getting defensive, a couples counselor can play referee in a difficult discussion. They can also help each partner see how they’ve contributed to issues and support them in their decision to stay together or break up, says Dr. Morley.
On top of all of this, you both can consider individual therapy to work through your own stuff separately and then discuss what you learned together with or without a couples therapist, says Dr. Morley. It’s up to you!
Of course, if one of you decides that you don’t want to work on the relationship, that’s OK too. You both have to choose what’s best for you, says Dr. Morley.
Ultimately, healing from emotional cheating is a hard process, but it’s absolutely doable—even if you don’t stay together. If you’re the one who was cheated on, growth and healing can mean relearning to open up to other people romantically. “You might be more cautious or suspicious after your last experience, but you can't fully rebuild the ability to trust a partner without eventually being in a relationship again,” Dr. Morley explains.
If you’re someone who was unfaithful in this way, have some self-compassion, says Dr. Morley. “Cheating happens all the time, and it happens for a reason,” she says. “You do not have to hate yourself forever because of what you've done. You do have to take responsibility for it and do something about it.”
Wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. Always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health.
