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What Should I Do If My Parent Is Struggling With Their Mental Health?

It’s not technically your responsibility, but we get why you’re asking. ByJendayi Omowale

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If one of your parents has recently come to you with a confession like, “I’m alone in this marriage,” or “I’m so depressed and lost. I hate it here,” it’s understandable if you feel uncomfortable and not totally sure how to react. Or maybe they rarely share any insight into their emotional state or act like mental health is stupid, but judging by their bad mood or random outbursts, something needs to change. Or a secret third option: Your situation is different but the end goal is still the same: You want your parent to get mental health help. 

Whatever the case, we all know our parents are people. And all people have feelings, coping mechanisms, and even trauma that can impact the way they interact with others—including their kids. If you can relate, you already know that talking to a parent about their mental health can be extremely challenging and overwhelming because nobody gives you a manual for taking care of them. These talks can also make you feel responsible for their health and happiness, and whatever they say could trigger you if it’s something you struggle with too, says therapist Ann Dillard, LMFT. 

As the child in this scenario, you should know it’s not your responsibility to help your mom or dad sort through their emotional shit because mental health care is tricky and you’re probably not a professional counselor, Dillard says. Also, taking on the role of their unofficial therapist basically violates the healthy parent-child dynamic, which should look like this: You can freely confide in them without judgment no matter how old you are. The parent can occasionally give you a glimpse into their inner world (think: “I get sad and feel lonely too sometimes”), but they should have their own space—away from you—to vent and get support. Then, as you become a full-on adult, your relationship with your parent should evolve. So yeah, your mom or dad might share more with you when you’re in your 20s and 30s, but they should still have other sources of support so you’re not burdened with all that information and are the only one tasked with finding solutions, Dillard says. 

Helping your parents with their mental health is also totally different and potentially more complicated than helping a friend, for example. That’s partly because parent-child relationships have a natural hierarchy built in. So if you initiate a serious talk about them needing help or try to tell them what to do, that could make them feel “insignificant, unimportant, and unintelligent,” Dillard explains. Basically, you have to tread carefully. 

All that said, those dynamics aren’t present in all families, and your parent might rely on you for help or keep their feelings bottled up to an unhealthy degree. Because you love them, it is natural to want them to take their mental health seriously and try to assist, says licensed therapist Sharon Yu, MA, LMFT. If you can pitch in without drowning in their struggles, joining their mental health journey can be a positive thing because you can learn about any warning signs and the best ways to be there for them, Dillard explains.

While that is honestly really admirable, the way you go about giving your parents a helping hand still shouldn’t blur the parent-child boundary too much (i.e. you become their therapist). No matter how comfortable your folks are with the subject of mental health or advice like “feel your feelings,” here’s how to bring up their emotions, set healthy boundaries if these convos make you feel worse, and get them whatever professional help they might need—all while protecting your own mental health. 

Validate their feelings (within reason).

A good way to support your parent through a difficult issue (without taking on too much responsibility for their mental health) is by offering words of reassurance and opportunities to reflect, says Jessica Vechakul, PhD, LMFT, psychotherapist at Berkeley Holistic Therapy. If they’re grieving, for example, you could say, "I can't imagine what you're going through. I know you really loved them and miss them a lot right now. You both had a beautiful relationship, and it makes sense that you’re having a hard time adjusting,” and offer a hug. If you want to dig a little deeper with them, you could share if you’re also struggling with the loss right now and ask some open-ended questions like, “What’s going through your mind?” or “What memories are coming up for you?” or “Is there anything that would make you feel better at this moment?” 

When you talk to them about deep-rooted issues, like their trauma or depression, the goal of those conversations is a little different. You can still validate how hard their struggle must be, but you don’t necessarily want to dig into the family secrets that hurt them, for example. That could bring up memories that neither of you are prepared to deal with at that moment, Yu explains. Instead, the information you want to gain through these conversations is mostly about how this impacts them (and maybe even you) today and what solutions are available if you’re comfortable getting into that. Maybe you learn that when they’re depressed, they struggle with tasks like paying the bills. Then, you both can come up with a plan for who will keep the lights on when your parent is deep in a depressive episode so they can focus on getting better and you don’t have to worry about your dad sitting in the dark. Helping with those logistical issues could even help you feel fulfilled too, Dr. Vechakul adds. 

Before, during, and after any of these conversations, check in with yourself and consider how you feel, how this new information is helpful for finding a solution, and if you have people who can help you process whatever you learned, Yu suggests. If you start to feel anxious or depressed, or you start losing sleep over your parent’s mental health, that’s a sign you need to talk to a friend or professional about your mental state, Dr. Vechakul encourages. 

When you don’t have the emotional capacity or you need some time to think about how to approach a conversation, Yu suggests saying, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m dealing with ____ right now, but I’d love to talk about how you’re doing later today.” Your parent should understand you also have a lot going on and that tabling a conversation doesn’t mean you’re dismissing their feelings, Yu adds. 

Reframe their idea of mental health. 

Emotions can be a taboo subject, especially among many communities of color and older generations who may have been taught to suck it up, go through life in survival mode, focus on providing for the family, and deal with The Man, Dr. Vechakul says. Still, sometimes it’s clear that something is weighing on your parent’s mind. If your parent doesn’t want to open up or prioritize their emotions, that’s fair, but all hope isn’t lost.  

If you bring up their mental health and feel like you’re hitting a wall, try reframing it. You could explain how their mindset affects you or you could emphasize how prioritizing their emotional well-being is just another way to care for the family, explains licensed therapist Siedah Spencer-Ardis, MA, LMFT. Try saying, “When I see you struggle with _____, it makes me feel _____. I don’t think continuing down this path without help is healthy for you or the family. It would make me feel _____ if you would care for your mental health a bit more.” 

Prime them for the therapy convo.

Bringing up therapy as soon as you start to feel overwhelmed or unqualified to deal with your parent’s struggles is a good move, Yu says. (If they haven’t left the bed or have seemed wired and impulsive for a few days, that would be a good reason to call a doctor, for example.) When your parent gets the mental support and coping tools they need as soon as possible, it could spare everyone from more heartache and stress, she adds.

But mentioning the T word can be tricky, especially if someone carries stigma or shame around needing help, Spencer-Ardis says. To test the waters, start by talking about mental health in general during a low-pressure dinner or a shopping trip, Yu suggests. You could reference some article you just read (“Did you hear what Regina King said about losing her son?”) or a TikTok you saw (“I actually think social media is rotting my brain sometimes.”), Spencer-Ardis says. If you're in college, you could even say a teacher gave a lecture about self-soothing tips and you want to talk about it with your parent, Spencer-Ardis adds. The goal is to find an easy way in.

If your parent seems open to these convos and doesn’t shut you down, you’re probably ready to have the actual “I think you could benefit from therapy” chat. It can help to have this talk in a private setting without distractions or pressure to wrap up the chat, Yu says. If you’d like to have a sibling or friend nearby for a sense of safety and support for you, go for it, she adds. 

During the conversation, avoid using confusing or jargony terms that’ll intimidate them or make them go, “Ugh, kids and their feelings these days.” For example, instead of saying, “I think you’re clinically depressed,” or “Your intergenerational trauma is showing,” you can say, “It seems like you’ve been feeling really down lately,” Yu recommends. To suggest they speak to someone, you can say, "It sounds like you've been feeling ______ for a while now. I don't know how to help you, but it would make me feel better if you’d talk to a counselor because I care about you.” 

You could even say you relate to their struggles (if true) and suggest going to family therapy together (if you’re into that), which could make them more comfortable, Spencer-Ardis says. In that case, you could say, “​I ​notice ​you sometimes feel _____, and I do too. I was thinking maybe we could go see a mental health pro together. I’ll even set up the appointment and can help pay for the session. Thoughts?”  

Your folks might have questions about therapy, so leave time to clear up any misconceptions, Dr. Vechakul says. If you’ve tried therapy before, feel free to share your experience and how it’s really not as scary as it seems. Or if a family friend has benefitted from therapy, you could ask them to speak to your parent and encourage them to talk to a professional, they add. 

If therapy is a definite no, you could encourage your parent to tap into other avenues, like religious institutions, Dr. Vechakul says. Those sorts of community resources give people space to talk about their life and can curb loneliness and hopelessness. Of course, some religious leaders might say prayer and faith will solve everything, which can be frustrating, Spencer-Ardis affirms. But there are plenty of others who are comfortable with offering mental and spiritual guidance. It may take some trial and error to find the right place of worship, but this can be beneficial for people who hate the idea of a therapist’s couch. 

There are also other forms of support, like self-help books (you could read one together, if you’re down) and support groups for people in the middle of a specific struggle, like the death of a child or a divorce. Some parents may even respond better to advice from older adults or medical doctors rather than their children, Dr. Vechakul says, noting this may be especially useful if your parents are Asian. Any resource that gets them thinking about their feelings and the way they cope is a good start. 

Combat negativity, set boundaries, and direct them elsewhere if needed.

No matter how much you love your parents, talking about their mental health can feel stressful, a little toxic, and burdensome. Also, maybe you don’t actually know what the hell to say to make things better. In these cases, you’ll want to learn how to introduce more positivity into your interactions, set boundaries, and point them to mental health experts.  

Say your mom is the type to dunk on a physical feature you’re both genetically blessed with. If you’re battling your own body image issues, that can send you spiraling, Dillard explains.To change the direction of this conversation, you could start by saying, “I really don’t like when you bully yourself for features that I also have. I’m trying to love—or at least feel neutral about—my body, and it makes me feel horrible when you drag our appearance.” Then, you could ask where these insecurities stem from, what might make her feel more confident, how she could reframe these negative thoughts, and if talking to a mental health professional might help, she suggests. You could even share what’s helping you learn to love your appearance. That way, she can feel heard and think of how to make a change.

If that doesn’t work, you may want to learn how to make graceful exits and set strict boundaries if needed. For the uninitiated, a boundary tells people how you’d like to be treated and sets consequences for when that line is crossed, Spencer-Ardis explains. In this case, your boundary might look like telling mom that you’ll leave the room if she keeps complaining about her body every day—and actually walking out if she doesn’t listen. If she brings up a similar issue later, you can say you love her but that you don’t think you can help by listening to this, Dr. Vechakul notes. Try: “I get that you’re going through a hard time with ____, but I don’t like how these comments make me feel, and I need to get some space now.” 

To be fair, setting boundaries with your parent can be extra hard if you’re used to them telling you everything and treating you like their bestie or therapist instead of their child, Yu affirms. But gently shutting down these conversations can protect your peace, she adds. If you’re lucky, your parent will catch on quickly and realize that they need to seek support elsewhere. 

Still, if they’re really going through it, you might not want to leave them hanging. In that case, it’s time to redirect them elsewhere. If your parent stopped taking care of themselves (maybe they're sitting in bed all day or are consumed by shopping), you can point them to a therapist or community group for help, Yu says. Or maybe one of your folks is dealing with addiction. In that case, you can call a local treatment center to arrange an intervention or inpatient program, Dr. Vechakul says. 

When a parent talks about struggling with hopelessness, loneliness, isolation, or mentions carrying out a suicide plan, that’s a good time to call in reinforcements too, Dr. Vechakul suggests. Same goes if you think your parent (or anyone else) is in immediate danger because they’re hallucinating or talking about hearing scary voices, for example. All these are valid times to call a crisis center, like 988. If the issue feels urgent, you might even consider calling 911 so your parent can be taken to the local emergency room, she adds. 

Accept what you can’t change. 

Unfortunately, approaching your parent about their mental health might not go as planned. Even if they seemed receptive to talking about their feelings or going to therapy, it’s possible they don’t follow through and go back to their old ways. That’s a tough reality to accept, especially if you put a lot of time and effort into helping them. It’s also possible you might sense some division between you and your mom or dad now. But none of this means you did something wrong or didn’t do enough, Spencer-Ardis says. 

To maintain a relationship with them—if that’s what you want—Yu suggests agreeing to disagree because you can’t force someone to see your POV or help themselves. It’s also totally fair to distance yourself if their mindset isn’t healthy to be around, she affirms. Drawing that line might be the wake-up call they need to make a change, Yu adds. 

In the end, all you can do is let them know that you care about them while setting any necessary boundaries and leaning on your support system.